Cool It Now

Lines Are Drawn

2011-08-14T00:40:00.000-04:00

Men and women really are as different as day and night. One of the first things you learn about interpersonal communication is: Men report. Women rapport. These differences complement each other, not always to our advantage.

As linear thinkers, men only say what’s necessary (i.e. report). Now this doesn’t apply to lying, which is to be followed in another post, as men tend to be horrible liars. But when it comes to most other areas, men rarely veer off-course without [what they deem as] a good reason. However, women are relational thinkers and try to build a bond (i.e. rapport). Woman are driven by their environments and change trajectory when trying to accommodate others. From one woman to another, sometimes we care too damn much. And what sucks even more is that this happens especially when drawing boundary lines with men.

Here’s the difference between the sexes: men draw their lines with a drill in concrete. The only way it’s moving is if he’s relocating to a new mentality, otherwise where he stands is where it stays. And if you have any of these signs listed here then you might as well call it home or abandon ship.

Women draw their lines in sand and it’s like a game of “Mother May I?” As soon as they feel like what they originally wanted is out of reach, they'll readjust. Readjusting consists of kicking sand over that line, taking a few baby steps forward and drawing another one that might be more appealing to him. It's hard to say "be more rigid" since women are emotionally driven and naturally like to accommodate others.

What we want versus what we’ll accept are always the points where the sexes have issues , especially when discussing the R-word. Men are pretty upfront with what they want and if he says- I like you but:

I’m not in a place for a relationship
I’m having fun right now
I have a lot going on
I’m unhappily married and trying to divorce
I’m messed up from my past relationships
insert any other lame excuse to not be monogamous

Of course he likes you, it wouldn't be right for him to say "Hey boo, I just wanna have sex with you and possibly not speak until I need it again". So just know that this statement may mean you're not the girl for him now, or possibly ever. Two reasons women kick sand over their lines are on false hope or false pretenses, which are normally presented in a double whammy, as evidenced above. The first part of the sentence is to placate you and the second part is to manage your expectations of what this is (and will) become.

Girlfriend, don’t sit and wish upon a star that with the right amount of love, support and/or sex the clouds will part and give you a glow making you irresistible to him. If he wants endless love and support, tell him to get a dog. And as far as the sex goes, I know we all have needs, but he needs to get his mind right and never fix his face to ask you for sex without monogamy.

Don't get me wrong, the clouds could part and the sun could shine upon you, but that doesn’t mean you should wait for it. When a man says he isn’t looking for a relationship, take that at face-value and step away with grace. The bottom-line is that he ain’t gonna change his mind anytime soon. If he comes back correctly, then you can make the decision to give him a chance...

Monogamy: Is it for the birds?

2011-07-23T00:18:00.006-04:00

Photo Credit

Monogamy (n.):

the state or custom of being married to one person at a time or of having only one mate at a time

************************

While doing some research for this blog, I found an interesting article on the Huffington Post about monogamous animals. A trend I found was that many bird species are very monogamous. Geese, eagles and vultures all stay with the same mate for life. It seems cheating is taboo, even in the animal kingdom- if a vulture is suspected of cheating a community of them will attack the cheater. Biologically speaking most animals are not naturally monogamous, including humans. Our closest animal relative is the primate and only 6% of them are monogamous.

Cheating is never good, but there are two types of cheating: emotionally or physically.

The type of cheating says a lot the person you're with and your connection. Anyone can fall into the trap of cheating emotionally due to voids in a relationship when people start to grow apart. Generally all it takes is for someone to scoop up the pieces and give a small amount of attention filling the rift. Though emotional cheating creates solid mental bond, physically cheating often causes a deeper scar and comes after the emotional break.

There are also two types of cheaters: full-time and part-time. Full-time cheaters are people who don't think there is anything wrong with cheating even though they know its wrong, but feel the can do it because " I'm a man." or " People are not meant to be with one person." Part-time cheaters are folks who fall in a moment of weakness (and lust) for a numbers of reasons. Sometimes things get stale and this person wants to spice things up, but they're generally good and loyal people. Men are linear thinkers, so when they see gains in one direction they tend to get over zealous, which is why they often get caught. Women are better at cheating (not that it's a great accomplishment) because we build rapport making it hard to believe that could be happening.

In the end, cheating boils down to honesty. Not so much with a partner, but with oneself. Most times people cheat because they won't admit their discontent internally, much less externally. In the animal kingdom, it seems they have more defined rules about relationships. Humans are higher thinking creatures so it's possible for us to use discernment in deciding to cheat- or not cheat, so why does it seem that the birds have a better grasp on monogamy?

Attention Passengers

2011-07-22T20:07:00.001-04:00

Airlines have the right idea about baggage. There's nothing worse than seeing an overburdened person at check-in. If every passenger brings "stuff" from home, the plane can't sustain the weight and down it goes.

Relationships are no different.

One trend that is prevalent is the "I've been hurt" syndrome. People (male and female alike) love to use this line to justify their excessive baggage handling when entering a new relationship. Stating that you've been hurt, is just as OBVIOUS as saying, "I breathe air". If you're human, then someone has hurt you, no one is immune.

With that being said, it's begs the question- how much baggage is too much? There's no definitive answer but I can say that if you're more concerned with the past, you'll miss out on the present. We all carry baggage from one relationship to the next. Sometimes this baggage is light shaping the people we become and how we interact with others, but it doesn't weigh us down. And some baggage is heavy and cumbersome, creating a barrier for us to really ride out a new relationship and enjoy it.

Purging is hard. Even if something hurts, sometimes it's comforting to hold onto it than move forward because going forward is unpredictable, and the pain could happen again and hurt just as badly.

The one rule I employ about baggage, whether I'm traveling throughout the world or life, is that I can't carry more bags than I have hands. It's sounds over-simplified, but makes perfect sense. If you overburden yourself with the past, you can't move. The only thing holding onto the past will do is suspend you in time, while everyone moves on.

Are you going to stay grounded, or pack lighter to take flight?

Ex-cept Him

2010-12-04T20:46:00.000-05:00

Here’s the situation: things didn’t work out with The Ex (clearly). In an attempt to move onward and upward, you meet a new, great guy. You have similar interests, laugh a lot, and everything just seems to…click.

As with any new relationship, after dating for a while, you finally reach the stage of meeting the friends. Only, you already know his friends because, you see, this great guy is a friend of a friend.

To be more specific, he’s a friend of The Ex.

We all know there are unwritten rules in dating, but dating an ex’s friend is by far the most controversial. How does one go about telling The Ex that you are now dating The Friend?

Well, if you dumped The Ex and are now dating The Friend, you’ll come off as selfish and heartless. There may be no escaping it and depending on how the break-up happened, you’ll look more or less so. The new guy might even pick up on your behavior.

Dating within a friendship circle can be dicey, especially where there may be unresolved feelings. Assuming you were dumped, ask yourself if you are completely over The Ex. If you can’t convince yourself that you are over your former flame (and mean it), then don’t date The Friend! No good will come of it. You’ll date The Friend on the rebound and end up looking extremely (serious emphasis on that word) desperate. Don’t go opening one door, when you haven’t locked the other. When you make the decision to date The Friend, you are accepting the change in your dynamic with The Ex.

In addition, if you’re going to take the plunge into dating The Friend, it’s a good idea to make sure this new relationship will last longer than it did with The Ex. Otherwise you’ll appear a little too easy, unsure of yourself, and maybe even a little pathetic. And contrary to popular belief, none of those are good attributes.

One thing you shouldn’t do is let him find out on his own. There are a number of reasons not to do this, the first is that it’s just rude. But another is because spiteful moves like this prove that you’re bitter and shouldn’t be dating The Friend anyway. If you’re on good terms with The Ex, give him enough respect to speak to him about it before your relationship with the new guy hits the gossip ring. There’s nothing like hearing that word on the street is His Main Man is dating his Ex Girl. Sneakiness never gets anyone very far and karma is vengeful. Be straight-forward and put it on the table. He may not like it but he must respect it.

Another thing to do is prepare yourself for the jibber-jabber. In most circles, malicious gossip is taboo, but it’s not like you planned for this. Up until a while ago, you thought The Ex would be “that guy,” and it just didn’t happen. Now you’re in a relationship with a new special someone, but it’s hard to be out in public because it seems like you are constantly having to explain things.

Shouldn’t you be allowed to freely date without the worry of others talking slick about you?

Absolutely.

But, sadly you can’t stop people from talking. You can however, stop yourself from listening. People are always going to have commentary on your life. It’s not about what they call you, it’s about what you answer to. If you like The Friend, then go for it. But think long and hard about things before you proceed. There’s nothing like ruining a great friendship with The Ex, only to have your relationship with The Friend end quickly. If it’s possible things might end before your next oil change, this might not be the move to make.

At the end of the day though, I think it’s most important to be in-tune with yourself and do what is satisfying, while making sure you’re happy with your interpersonal relationships. Always feeling pressured to do what you think others want you to is no way to live or to love.

Constructive Hater-cism?

2010-10-03T01:12:00.002-04:00

You see me, hi hater!

It's always the haters fault, isn't it? Let me explain, anytime you do something, get something, or think something, and someone else has a contrary opinion, it's "hate". Hate is a word that is almost as watered down as 'culture', 'racism', and 'media'.

It feels as if everyone is being "hated on" when they're given constructive criticism. Yes, there's a fine line between critiquing and hating, but let's be for real... one person doesn't have that many haters. I grow weary of self-importance. I'm sure there are people who don't like what I say on this blog, but I don't call them haters - I call them stupid.

I've noticed a common thread with people who have "haters". They all desperately want to be liked, but won't admit it. These are the first people to say "I don't care what people think", but turn around and get upset by labeling contrary thoughts, "hate".

This just in:

Everyone isn't a hater; you just may not be as talented as you think.

L.C.D.

2010-07-21T21:44:00.001-04:00

Lowest Common Denominator

We all learned about the L.C.D. in elementary when using fractions, but this also applies romantically. Sure, we're all the normally the lowest common denominator in our failed relationships, but when most of your old flames move on the stable relationships then you can safely assume it wasn't them, it was you.

In each of their lives, you're the L.C.D. and they have all seemed to move along just fine. However, you're still sitting around playing the blame-game- ALONE.

This was a quickie...but BAM I just blew your mind. LOL

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater

2010-06-17T22:12:00.001-04:00

This post is the first installment of a "Cheating" series. It's a complex topic, and can't be completely addressed in one long-winded post. Since you (my lovely readers) are so important to me, I've decided to divide this topic into chapters...

The first discussing the cheater...and here we go!

"Cheaters never prosper".

It's all fun and games...until you get caught.

We know this for a fact because the show Cheaters has shown us the dark side of getting caught between two lovers. BUT, if cheaters never prosper then why is infidelity so popular?

Some hypothesize that humans are not naturally monogomus creatures, especially the male of our species, and like any animal we gravitate towards social peer groups with cheating as a way to socialize. Other theorize that infidelity is a conscious decision and when someone cheats it is, driven by purpose, not an uncontrollable instinct.

Cheaters are playing charades, on the inverse. The point of their game is to NOT have you figure out what or who they really are. Are you winning or losing?

Whatever the case, cheating is acceptable as you make it. Either you're a heifer and accept that your bull is dozing someone else, a black widow and kill him before he gets the chance, or a Candaian goose and stick with each other until the end.

Be my lil' freak

2010-05-10T19:55:00.101-04:00

This blog post is intended for mature audiences only. If you are under the age of 18 or cannot see NC17 movies without buying a PG13 ticket and sneaking in or are uncomfortable with the public discussion of private matters, then STOP HERE.

You've been warned…

Overt sexuality is shoved in our faces on a daily basis, so we're all familiar with the term "freak".

Depending on where your mind is right now, you either thought of sideshow freak or you knew the freak i was referencing....the sexual freak.

We have sex thrown at us visually, but freak is thrown at us verbally, usually in song:

Rick James: Super Freak
Dru Hill: Are You A Real Freak
Silk: Freak Me
Jodeci: Freak-n-You
Adina Howard: Freak Like Me
Petey Pablo: Freak-a-Leak
Usher: Lil' Freak
Estelle: I Can Be Your Freak

Now I realize that there are MANY more songs that address the freak factor, but don't have it in the title. **For the sake of this post, I've chosen ones that are pretty blatant.**

"Freak" is a term used so commonly that it doesn't have a static meaning. So classification as "a freak" is usual relative to the person talking about it. For some people being a freak is all in changing positions once in a while and for others it means inviting people into the bedroom for group activities. Whatever the case, it never means the same thing to any two people. As weird as this may sound, the more you experience, the more narrowly you define freakiness...

As a 20-something, IN MY PRIME, I can tell you that a lil' freakiness is always in order. But I definitely don't agree with willy-nilly freaky-sneaks. Like my peers, I'm living, loving and dating... but routinely you come across someone who defines things differently. What happens if YOU want to get freaky and it's just a bit too freaky for your partner? Let's say for example you're into hair pulling (we'll keep it mild) and she doesn't like that. I mean the hair is right there, it's kind of hard to not give it a tug. I have to say, paying for hairdressing isn't cheap so my motto is, "you pull it you pay for it".

However, I digress. Females are socially conditioned to be a lady in the streets, but for some it's hard to transition into being a freak in the sheets. For the ones that are straight up freaks with no class, this clearly DOES NOT APPLY. But for the ones who do have etiquette and exhibit it publicly, well this means that a man wants a sexually adventurous woman, but he doesn't want the world to know it. He wants someone he can bring home to Mama, then ravage for dessert.

Question: Since the freak factor is so randomly defined, what happens when you've grown started liking a certain act and now you're not getting it, at all?

I've heard people say, if you don't do it someone else will. Despite how people try to downplay it's importance, sex plays a big role in relationships. Whether your getting it too often or not often enough, this is normally the root to most cheating. Of course there are other reasons to cheat, but most times it's because something is lacking. Could the freak factor and cheating somehow be connected? I can't definitively say yes or no, but I can say I don't believe in coincidences. #imjustsayin

On the flip side... Should you (as a caring partner) understand that for some people sex just isn't experiential, like it is for others?

Perhaps. Sadly some people won't go outside of their comfort zone, but they don't have to. Just like they accept that you have your experimental ways, you have to accept (and respect) their boundaries.

All in all, we as humans have evolved and so have our definitions of "a good time". For some, it's just gettin it on, for others it's getting it on, off and making a new one. With all this evolution, one thing that hasn't changed is the expectation of women to be ladylike in public, and why should it? Men (in my opinion) are held to the same standard when you discuss chivalry...one should always be presentable in public. However, I do believe that in private, do what you do. But in a relationship, if your boundaries extend to the 50-yard line it doesn't mean someone else's should. If a high score on the freak-o-meter is important...you betta get to pounding the pavement playa.

It's not me, it's you!

2010-03-04T21:43:00.005-05:00

"All good things must come to an end"...and the same goes for most good relationships. Ever the optimist masking as a pessimist, I make the quote a question, "Must all good things come to an end?" Lately, it seems break-ups are in the air, I guess the omen is written on the walls. The whole situation sucks but the good news is that people break-up everyday and there's always a new dawn.

Check out my previous blog about being dumped it may help you understand your emotions.

Here are some wonderful phrases that help in softening the blow just a bit. Don't hate the other person because the thing is... hate would require a further emotional commitment. His/her loss is another person's gain so continue living, loving, and laughing...especially at yourself.

Better to love and lost then living with a psycho the rest of your life!
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plan your revenge.
Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate.
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures.
Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

P.S. Keep an eye out for my next blog, "Decoding Cliche Qualifiers"

Once Upon A Time...

2010-02-11T00:32:00.002-05:00

(Photo Credit)

Every story starts with "Once upon a time".
We do things on our own time.
No time, like the present.
Time heals all wounds.
Time to leave.
Time flew.

Time is a central element in our lives. It's always ticking away. As such we ration our time, and sometimes people make the cut, sometimes they don't. So understand that when someone likes you, this person will make time for you.

You may have already declared that "if someone isn't making time for me then this person doesn't want to be around me". Kudos, clearly you've realized that (s)he isn't feeling the way you do and isn't worth your time. Congratulations if this is you; you walked away from a person who just couldn't appreciate your company. However, your situation is not the one I'm addressing. I'm speaking about when you are seeing someone and in his/her company but don't realize when you're being given time (rather than time being made for you).

Most people interchange making time with giving time, but they're not the same. When someone makes time for you, this person will work time into a packed schedule in order to see/talk with you. Not only does this person make plans with you, but (s)he is also receptive to you making plans as well. I.e. (S)he isn't the sole proprietor in controlling your interactions. This person is inviting you into their life and always finds a way to include you as a priority.

People often confuse these concepts because we get blinded by the opportunity to spend time with someone special. However, being given time is when a person has a booked schedule and puts you on standby. When these solid plans liquefy, then you are called "on the spur of the moment" for lunch, dinner, movie, bowling [insert activity]. You're kept on standby because you're optional. This doesn't mean that every time a person calls you at the last minute for plans you're being unvited, however if this is the only way you make plans well... your quality time is not equality time.

Reasons (Excuses) For Why You Are Given time:

You're the side piece:
Solution: If you don't know about it speak on it. If you do know about it, then you've clearly accepted your status and this person probably isn't a priority for you either. Carry on.
Your relationship isn't at the point of 'exclusivity'.
Solution: Whether you have (or have not) gotten to that point, when you're important to someone it will clear and time will be made for you. Making time is the same as making space. If you can't get space on the calendar (@least penciled in, working towards the pen) then this person doesn't see you as an good investment of his/her time. There's no easy way to address it, but you must.
The person is "busy".
Do not be confused, busy is not an explanation, its an excuse. People involuntarily mentally categorize folks. In your interactions, pay attention to your language. When someone is important to you, even if you're legitimately busy, you (unconsciously) qualify your busyness with an explanation by describing what busy actually means.
For example: Someone might say, "I couldn't call you back because I was in the middle of writing my thesis." Leaving this person no need to wonder as to the reason. Whereas in other cases someone would say, "I couldn't call you back because I was busy."
'Busy' is a shut down. This is just an excuse for not really wanting to talk with you. Now with everything, there is always a portion of people who just aren't descriptive and don't provide qualifiers, but this is a small margin.

*and no, all men DO NOT fall under this small margin*

Making time vs. giving time is being the difference between being invited well in advance or waiting for an invite and receiving one minutes before starting.

If time waits for no man, then why should you?

Lemme Hold That Right Quick

2010-02-04T00:15:00.003-05:00

The saying normally goes, “Friends and money don’t mix.” But I think this phrase should be more specific and say, “Bad friends and, their poor money management habits, borrowing your money don’t mix.”

With a bad friend, there are always a number of context clues showing how much (s)he sucks at life. But, being the good human being our parents raised us to be, we tend to ignore the flares until it's too late. Normally it's not until (s)he screws you over, with money and milks you for whatever (s)he can, do you realize how deep in the dirty this person's suckiness really goes.

There is no such thing as “all of sudden”. Perhaps “all of a sudden” you got a clue, but people always show you who they are if you just pay attention to the signs. Like the X-files, there’s something out there and these signs are like a roadmap, but you got lost and now the flares are going up to help you find your way.

This person only has a small number of friends.

I know.

There is no crime in having a small circle. Sometimes people like to keep the nucleus of their friendship circles small and exclusive. I like to keep it simple too. But there is a big difference in have a small number of close friends vs. small number of friends (acquaintances and associates included) period.

If all his/her extinct friendships seem to end as a result of the other party being grimy, sneaky, sleazy [insert preferable adjective], then it is reasonable to assume that the grimy, sneaky, sleazy, etc. party is/was the person retelling the story. These people got out while they could, once the trifling flares started going up. If ten times out of ten the end of a friendship is faulted with someone else, then you can safely assume 95% of the time, it was actually his/her fault.

My mom always told me, never let people know how much money you have in your pocket. This meant that you don’t share your financial information with people; you don’t even really talk about big purchases.

Needless to say, I’m pretty keen on keeping that kind of information to myself. But a person with bad money management will ALWAYS complain about money woes publicly. This is being done to wait for you to step in (dear fairy Godmother) and turn his/her rags into riches. Trust me when I say, walk away if you hear this. No good can come of it. The reason this person doesn’t have money is because his/her financial management sucks, and you will not be the person who miraculously makes him/her see the error of his/her ways. If (s)he can’t manage her money properly, (s)he darn sure won’t manage your money any better!

Let me tell you something, if this person is irresponsible with the money (s)he’s earning…what gives you the glimmer of hope that a sense of responsibility will kick in when if comes to the money you earn? Don’t let you bleeding heart result in a bleeding wallet. If you ever loan anyone money, get a written agreement (most likely on a Kleenex after this person cry's you a river) to document this exchange because at the end of the day it’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove.

But if you want to take reparations into your own hands, Pookie ‘n dem are always available to handle things. Just give them the word! Don't be anyone's cash cow.

Is That A Spade? ::::::♠::::::

2010-01-30T21:14:00.003-05:00

Yup.

I'm a pretty literal person. I like for people call it like it is... maybe I just like the sting. Whatever the case, reality can often bite but clarity avoids confusion later down the line. I think the sentence that should come after the one above is, "Just call a spade, a spade."

It's so funny when you're dealing with someone and your description of your relationship is truthfully what it is, but that description may not be aesthetically pleasing to the other party.

(Dealing = all encompassing meaning anything more than friends, but not in an exclusive relationship)

For example:

Imagine you're having surgery. When the doctors are explaining the procedure I'd bet the farm that you're guaranteed to hear:

We're going to go in.
Remove the [insert name of blockage, obstruction, growth, abnormality, etc].
It's a very simple procedure.
You should recover rather quickly."

Automatically, the use of these words force you to posit things differently and thus alter the choices you will make going forward.

Do you know what the bolded words are?

They're called, Qualifiers.

Qualifiers are magical, cuddly little words because their use makes truthful (and at times harsh) language seem less jarring. Doctors are professional qualifier users, but we all throw them around when it's convenient. I realize the world is harsh enough and sometimes people need some a break. :::Theory: perhaps I'm just a harsh person::: If that's the reality of the situation, candy-coating doesn't change it. Anyhow, harsh language, at times, is like a band-aid on a hairy arm. It might help to slowly pull it off, but doesn't hurt any less in the end. Just rip, get it done, and deal with the end result.

Back to my example...after removing the qualifiers, those bullet points translate as:

We'll go in using our power tools.
Dig around until we find the [insert blockage, obstruction, growth, abnormality, etc.] and take it out.
This procedure shouldn't kill you, but has killed a few people in the past.
You'll be in excruciating pain for a X amount of [days, weeks, months], but we'll give you Percocet for it.

I'm sure you wouldn't be so accepting of elective surgery if it's posed this way. Bringing this back to relationships, qualifiers tend to make you comfortable. Comfort is great, if you reach the level you desired. But if you haven't, then getting comfortable with the person you're dating calling it "dealing", well...it might not be so sweet. If you're not clear about the current description of your relationship, tell him/her to quit the qualifiers and give it to you quick and dirty.

Candy is definitely tasty.

However, I don't know about you but I don't always wants my words coated in it...

You Just Had 2B There (Happy New Year!)

2010-01-05T15:14:00.008-05:00

It’s a new year, but people still say some off the wall things. I haven’t been doing this section of my blog justice so here is the first installation of Had 2B There.

Merry New Year and Happy Festivus!

Me: Girl you would rather not eat, so you can shop.
Miss Cackyl-lacky: Yup, I can eat peanut butter sandwiches. I don't even gotta have the jelly.
Not Sure: What are these things?
Forget Who: Bamboo shoots.
Not Sure: They're good. I see why pandas like them so much.
This is how you know you're drunk. I was at a stop sign... waiting for it to turn green.
Well we still kinda talk, but I decided in my mind that I don't wanna talk to her anymore.
Person 1: Damn this drink will put hair on my chest!
Person 2: Yea like a chia pet. But it'll come out nappy if you suck it down too fast, take it slow.
Is this like the food when you were on "vacation"? I bet this thanksgiving meal doesn’t compare to your powdered potatoes and ramen noodles.
Everything was great and tasty! So tender, because you know I aint got not teeth.
Did you sleep Ready-Roll?
What I'm gonna do shoot dust and air?
I'm tryna look for Ms. Stick N Stay.
I don't want her too smart because then it becomes difficult.
They're playing gospel music in voodoo mart...
His name is Thrush...like the STI, THRUSH.
No-No: Hans was gonna take his best friend, but his best friend died so now he's taking me.
Me: You weren't his best friend? You are now.
No-No: Yea, now I'm his only friend.
Rugby's not a naked sport, maybe homoerotic but def not naked. American football has underlying homoeroticism: wide receiver, tight end, positions! Americans have to get their sex ed somewhere...why not at the 50 yard line or the end zone.
Guy in front of me @flames: Yea, lemme get the yellow chicken.
If ya pregnant have ya baby. And if ya not pregnant, this is the night.
Guy 1: Oh my bad. Was that...?
Guy 2: Yea... my ass.
What's long and brown and a qtr of a pound?
Don't bombard me with your common sense.
When you're18, you're always cocked and loaded- ready to pop off at any moment!
I can only get a lap dance if I show a doc note that's how old I am.
I got head 2 times in 10 years; and both times I was holding a gun.
You want a man with a college degree, but you don't even have a GED.
No more milk. Someone drank it. (As he finishes sipping the last drop)
You wouldn't bring your wild dog out if it was biting people, the same should go for your kids.
The Netherlands? Ain't that where Peter Pan is from?

Dissolve and Divide

2010-01-01T00:01:00.014-05:00

Breaking up is hard...

One thing that always irked me about breaking up isn't the heartbreak and it isn't the loneliness. It's the lingering question of "Who gets the friends?" As petty as it may seem, this is something I ponder because when I'm done with a relationship, I need detox time (it prevents relapse).

When you date some one for an extended period of time, and break-up, it's hard enough to get that person out of your head. To make things even harder is having the share friends and (god-forbid) prematurely run into each other at social gatherings. I've developed the perfect solution to this problem, a letter that outlines friend stipulations after the break-up. If used properly, it works very effectively.

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear [INSERT EX NAME HERE];

This letter formally dissolves our relationship and any further interaction therein. While our relationship flourished at times, it was cyclical and as of late we have seen very little growth. It is best if I leave this relationship now, and invest in more stable bonds.

I have taken the liberty to create an agreement for equitable division of the assets (i.e. friends) we accumulated in the duration of our relationship and stipulations for visitation. In an effort to make this a smooth transition for them, I have elected to divide them between us to avoid confusion and awkwardness.

I will retain primary physical custody of [NAME THE 3 COOLEST FRIENDS]. You may have supervised visitation with my written consent. However, I will need at least a 48-hour notice to avoid any scheduling conflicts. Below, you will find information on proper contact protocol and procedures, as well as the acceptable medium to be used.

You will retain primary physical custody of [NAME THE 3 IDIOTIC FRIENDS]. I never liked them; therefore no arrangements for visitation need to be made, as I would prefer not to see them again.

I realize [NAME 3 FRIENDS THAT YOU LIKED BUT WON’T REALLY EVER CALL OUTSIDE OF THIS RELATIONSHIP BUT WANT TO KEEP FOR SPITE] present an conflict of interest. Therefore, we will have joint physical custody with permanent days designated for visitation. You may have them on Sun, Tues, and Thurs. I will take them Weds, Fri, Sat. Mon is a toss-up day, in which we will allow them to decide between us and generate activities. Keep in mind that if any of these activities involve [NAME YOUR KEEPS] then you MUST get my prior consent. There is no need to worry about [NAME HIS KEEPS]. We have very different tastes in extracurricular activities and will not go anywhere together.

Since serves as the dissolution of our relationship, there is no need for further electronic contact, meaning the immediate halt of all phone, text, email, and Facebook (social media) contact. The only permissible medium to use for contacting me is via U.S. Postal Mail that is directed to my P.O. Box, which is checked weekly on Wednesdays. If a holiday falls on (any day) during the week, then mail will be checked on Wednesday of the following week.

I understand that you may have concerns with this agreement, feel free to send dispute resolution requests to my P.O. Box. Otherwise, it will be assumed that these terms are agreed upon.

Sincerely,

[YOUR NAME HERE]

COMING TO A BLOG NEAR YOU

2009-10-11T21:11:00.005-04:00

Recently, I wrote a guest post for a good friend and fellow blogher Candelaria at GOOD AND PLENTY. She consistently provides input, food for thought, and quips for my blog as a commentator.

She will be providing guest posts for my blog very soon, so keep an eye for her. In the meantime take a look at her blog, I promise you won't be disappointed.

Don't Be A Pod Person

2009-10-08T01:51:00.008-04:00

People in relationships are kind of like stiletto shoes. Sometimes it can be painful to be around them, but despite the minor annoyances you still like them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not against people in relationships, so don't misconstrue this as "hater talk". Heck, periodically I am one of them. But just like a pair of shoes that begin to hurt, you have to put people on the shelf to relieve that pressure and breathe a bit.
This breathing room is especially necessary when they do some of the following things...

Only talking about the Boo-Boo.
It's completely understandable that most of your waking hours are spent communicating with Boo-Boo, so it's expected that you'll gush a bit about your sweetie. However, there is a big difference between gushing about your boo-boo (in small doses, where applicable), and Boo-Boo being your only topic of discussion, ever. When every sentence you say starts with, "Boo-Boo says/thinks/does/went/wants/is/takes/uses/(and any other verb you can insert) XYZ"... you have got to get out more.
Call this hater talk if you want, but I don't like Boo-Boo enough to hear about all the things you can come up with to discuss about him/her. Honestly, this is a quick way to be de-listed from dinner, social, and any other upcoming activities. A worse offense, however is when you talk about Boo-Boo, while (s)he's standing with you. BORING! If this is you at your conversational best, I'd hate to see you at your worst.

Stating (every single time [s]he sleeps alone): "I just don't sleep well when Boo-Boo isn't here"
Like. I. care.I slept just fine last night.I guess you really slept like a baby- waking up every hour on the hour waiting for someone to hold you. Sadly, that someone never arrived. Too bad because last night was a great night for sleeping. Perhaps this is karma's way of making singletons happy (yes we snicker inside when you tell us things like this). At least if you're not in a relationship, it's nice to know coupled people are losing sleep. Score 1 for the team!

Inviting you to be the training wheel.
Just because someone is half of a couple doesn't mean your friendship has end. There will still be time to hang out together, even with Boo-Boo in tow. This can be fun, unless they fall into the category of a couple that doesn't know how to hang out with friends. We all know that one person who makes plans to hang out and, if you're not being dissed, then everything includes the Boo-Boo. If the Boo-Boo is cool, then it's always a good time. Unless this is a couple who simulates a date, despite being in a "group". For example, constantly kissing, baby-talk (not including baby, babe, sweetie, honey or any similar names).

This is not sanctioned.

Actions such as these are clear violations of the "Social Invitation Protocol" and are frowned upon. People who do this run the risk of having their friendship rights revoked. BUT, a greater offense is if the perpetrators claim to be confused when you decline future social invitations.

How can I put this gently?
Going out to watch you and your Boo-Boo on a date is not anyone's idea of a fun time, especially if I'm paying my own way. I guess that's why they call it attached because it means "attached at the hip".

All in all, I'm not trying to hate on couple-dom. What I am trying to do is put this out as a forewarning to those who might be committing these offenses. If your social circle seems to be getting smaller (and not by choice), think about it. If you don't get social invites anymore, think about it. If you hear about events after the fact, think about it.
It's great your found someone to be two peas in a pod with, but somewhere along the lines you've become a pod person.

Friends...How many of us have them?

2009-09-15T10:58:00.010-04:00

Most of the time I feel kinda lucky to say I a friend.

That is, until the friendship ends.

I'm a persistent person when it comes to trying (over and over again) to keep a friendship alive. As of late however, I started reevaluating all of my "close" friendships wondering if I should save it and throw out a life preserver, or let it sink.

Growing up in Boston, it's easy to stay friends with people from childhood into adulthood, if it lasts that long.
Recently, I had a 20 year friendship end (and that's just an estimation starting from the point of my cognition). I've been toying with the idea of saving it. But there are a few things keeping me from doing so and it got me thinking. At what point do we decide a friendship isn't worth saving?

My reasons for not saving this friendship are simple.

Can't connect a line with a cut cord.
Tried to keep close by calling and always being there when needed, as a good friend should. But as for reciprocity, I was SOL. I always say people make time for what's important to them. If I can fit something into my life, it's important. If not it falls by the wayside. It came to a point when I decided to stop being AT&T.

Us + Change = Growing Apart
Nothing is forever except diamonds. Not an issue, I welcome change. What I don't welcome are changes that only make the friendship work for one party. No one is 100% unselfish but it definitely shouldn't be lopsided. Scales of balance. With some of my friends we grow up but no apart, this one is different.

Non-Uncomfortable Zone
When things get to the point of close-ended questions, single word answers, and electronic-only contact, it's uncomfortable. This was my cue to kiss that puppy goodbye. Perhaps not permanently, but for now it's not breathing and needs resuscitation.

Is there "valid" criteria for ending a friendship?

My thoughts are, whatever feels valid to you. However, some may differ. For example, lets say this person uses all your body wash. You've talked about it and yet it still happens. If it irks you to that point, then I can't be mad at you. I can't determine what's valid criteria to end a friendship for you, but I will say that sometimes you have to look at the glass as half-full and think it's good your friend at least washes in lieu of having body wash.

However, a decision must be made.

A friend of mine posted this as her Facebook status moments ago...
"When the sun sets on a friendship, day will break on one that is fresh and new. Sometimes the person to whom you were a friend was not a friend to you. Rather than lament the loss of something less than true, be grateful for the opportunity to grow, the opportunity that God has afforded you to be better, not bitter; delivered, not devastated. If I must let you go to grow, consider yourself gone..."

Sie gerade dabei sein (You Just Had 2B There...German Edition)

2009-08-25T12:31:00.005-04:00

After one month in Germany, I'm sure you know I came back with tons of H2BT quotes.
Sadly, I didn't always have my phone, a pen, or paper to write the truly hilarious things down.
However, I did catch some gems.

Enjoy!

Italian Stallion: What's you're name?
Thai Man: Ekkapap
I.S.: Oh I see. So do you prefer to be called Ekka or Pap?
I never had close friendships with Black or Chinese. I am very excited.
Senorita: Is this your natural hair?
Bri (mixed chica): Yes why?
Senrotia: Oh it is very beautiful. They don't make this in Russia.
So this Holocaust...what was it and when did it happen?
Here's what we're gonna do. Me and my friend are going to lock our bikes. We're going to jump on your boat, smoke a joint and, later tonight, have wonderful sex.
I think she's in the first stage of autism.
You know the thing I miss the most from the U.S.? It isn't my boyfriend. It isn't my family. It's popcorn. If I knew popcorn was forbidden in Germany I would've brought my own.
Thai Man: In my country we don't do that.
Me: Yea but we're not in your country so stop talking about it!
Senorita: In Russia they don't like...(pointing at me)
Me: Go ahead and say it, Black people. No one likes us, we're used to being scapegoats.
Senorita: Why you don't tell me I can't use such a word?
Me: What word? Black? You can, it's fine.
Senorita: No, I must call you African American. So, how is it dating Afro-American boys?
Oh it was terrible. We've been dating for 3 days and haven't spoken in one whole day because we quarrelled.
They're just apples!
So is this how we're going to end it? I think this is a really stupid way to end things.
But you get breakfast.
Door - 2; Us -1
Um we did the instant noodles wrong. I guess that's why it said stir with a fork in the picture. We got what we paid for...a 1 Euro meal.
Me: Do you think you'll move to America?
Senorita: Oh no I am scared of the guns
Me: Um, you're from Russia. I've heard they're pretty ruthless. We just shoot you and walk away. In Russia they cut you up at the dinner table...during dinner.
Everytime someone says "tchus" I get confused and think they're sneezing.
Me: So Drucken and Drücken are the same word but you gotta be careful that you're not telling people to push instead of print.
Groomie: Oh, so the u has a little hat?
Use acution with schwul and schwül because you could be saying it's a humid day or it's a gay day. Big difference.
Me: What are you guys doing?
Kare Bear: Showering...the wine.
I was in the club and I'm not a lesbian because I have a boyfriend. But I was thinking about it and if I was drunk I would want them...as a set.
I don't feel comfortable drinking water out of the toilet.
I was scared of alcohol at first. But the best way to get over fear of drinking is to drink some more.
You've never went to class high? OMG you've gotta try it and go to something like Stats or Chem.
I don't even know what he said. He can't speak English and didn't have his little dictionary to flip thru to look up words. We didn't have to talk because I didn't understand him, so it's like we didn't speak at all.
This homeless man walked up to her speaking German. And then Martin started laughing. We asked what was so funny and he told us the man said she was too skinny and needed to eat, so he offered her his sandwich.
Me: I'll try not to spoon you tonight.
Groomie: Only if I can be the little spoon.
Senorita: Try this champagne. It was very expensive.
Me: Oh how much was it?
Senorita: 6 Euros
I hate to discriminate but I don't like the black gummi bears.
*minutes later after trying one*
This is was good. I guess it's why you don't discriminate
I'm going to introduce my stick.
It was quite the intercultural experience.
You have to leave something to the imagination, so he can work towards... finding out your bra color.
Can you imagine?
Aaah
Do you understand?
You can be late for anything else, but not for food.
Me: Ich möchte karamel fleur de sel, zwei cougles im cup...cup mit cone on top.
Server: You can speak English. I'm not even German, I'm from Boston.
Me: Oh. Ok can I have a caramel swirl in a cup with a cone on top?
I'm never throwing up in front of you again. Everyone else knew about it before I did.
It's not that you are that old, you just look that old.
I'm not in the habit of serenading people twice my age.
Kare Bear: Are you going to hit me?
Aussie: I just might. I have to crack my knuckles because it hurts less when I hit people.
Maybe we should tell him to slow down so he at least makes it in this time.
Let's pop that cork and get it going, get the juices flowing.
Georgia: Have you ever had a fried twinkie?
Ballerina: Are you serious? As if a twinkie isn't fattening enough, you fry it? So American.
I eat veal. It's sad, but delicious.

You Just Had 2B There Restaurant Business

2009-08-24T13:26:00.010-04:00

Life is so full of "Had To Be There" moments.

More often than not these moments stem from random and amusing conversation.

I've decided to chronicle a continuing conversation about dining in restaurants...

Yee: I need to eat, dammit.
Me: At a fine sit down restaurant...
Yee: Where I get treated to outstanding service and offered dessert.
Me: Right now I feel like Tramp, from Lady and the Tramp. No one is even offering me water. *cough cough* I'm dying of thirst.
Yee: I'll give you water... but only in a purely platonic sense.

A few days later...

Yee: There's so much traffic, it's a good thing I'm NOT eating tonight. I'd get there and wouldn't even have time to chew.
Me: At least you can plan another dinner. I don't even have a restaurant to dine at.
Yee: Yea, but I'm tired of getting drive-thru. I think we need to find nice reliable sit-down restaurants where we can go and linger over dinner.

In a related conversation...

Wade Wilson: No weekend dining. I'm sad.
Me: It's OK. We'll find you a nice restaurant to dine at.
Wade: I hope so. Tired of cooking my own meals.

Days later...

Wade: Just got delivery!

In another related conversation

Yee: He took his business to another restaurant. It's not your fault you have better service. The next time you see him you should tell him that that his business isn't welcome and if he needs to eat badly then he should learn to cook for himself.

The restaurant business is tough these days...

Hallo

2009-08-16T22:42:00.007-04:00

I've returned from my extended trip to Germany.

It was awesome, as I'm sure you've read.

It's hard to sum up an experience that brought you so much in many different ways. I learned so much about Germany, people, the world, and myself. It's great to go on vacation, but it's even better when you go on a live-cation. I don't think I would've gotten so much out of this experience if I didn't have the opportunity to become immersed in the culture and participate in the ISU program.

Never without some observations and commentary, here I go...

Germany is great for timely public transportation, detailed maps, and castles (to name a few things).

Germany is not great for plastic products (especially applicators), ice , and chicken or rice.

Don't go there and expect pleasantries or formalities. If someone bumps into you, it happens and everyone moves on. Don't dwell on the missed "Entshuldigung".

They have confrontation and then everyone walks away. They are pretty formal people, but when they're pissed... they're pissed.

If you go to Germany, definitely go to Berlin. This city has some of the most interesting and important world history. For one city to have gone through all it has and still be standing...it's a great place to visit. Especially if you remember the Cold War and the Wall falling.

Boy or girl, go see the damn castles. When in your life will you ever be able to say you've seen or walked though one? If your a macho man, then just act like you wanted to see if the castles really had moats. (Whatever helps you get through.)

They don't get the reputation of being practical people for nothing. Fashion is just a word in this country. They dress for comfort. I lost count of number of men I saw walking around with shorts (jean or khaki), trouser (or dress) socks and dress shoes. It was pretty amusing.

Obey the pedestrian lights. While we visited, I can recall 3 times people got hit by the train or bus, and nothing ever made it to the evening news. Just wait for your green signal.

They take their bikes and bike lanes seriously. Look at the sidewalk to be sure you won't get run down by a biker.

Memorize the phrase: "Sprechen Sie Englisch?", is the one you'll value the most.

Everything is shut down on Sundays with the exception of Food and Drinks. Get what you need before 8pm on Saturday or it has to wait until Monday.

When you order water, make sure you ask for MineralWasser NO GAS. Otherwise you'll be drinking seltzer water all the time.

Get a Milka bar...

If you love ice cream...save room because you'll eat tons of it, especially Haagen Dazs. *loves it*

Pharmacies are separate stores, so don't go looking for aspirin in the grocery store.

Wine is cheap; drink up and drink plenty.

CNN and BBC will be your best friend (if you're a native English speaker).

No shower curtains = A Daily Disaster

Public restrooms don't feel so public because they're actually pretty clean in just about every place we went. Sometimes you have to decide, one flush or two.

The beds are tiny, but not completely uncomfortable. If you are sharing a hotel room, make sure you're ok with sleeping 5 inches apart.

I loved staying in Frankfurt, it's like a 2nd home for me now. All in all, get rid of the notions you have in your head about Germany because I found it to be a great place. If you go there thinking you won't be stereotyped, get over it. Everyone has a stereotype they envision and thanks to TV it makes it ever more realistic about Americans especially.

My most valuable advice (in my humble option)----> Try to not feed into stereotypes (at home or abroad); America is big but the world is bigger.

Coming next...Had 2B (In Germany)

Dear Summer...

2009-08-15T10:25:00.000-04:00

Dear Summer,

As August winds down, I started looking back at you. You've been quite eventful, to say the least.

Sometimes you were a good news/bad news situation. One question I hate to be asked is, "Do you want the good news or bad news first?" I always opt for the bad news first so if it pisses me off, the good news might help me balance things out.

I'm an optimist masking as a realist.

Everything in life needs balance. There's no yin without yang, day without night, no fork without a knife...unless you have a kfork or a knirk but whatever, I think you get the point. Anyhow, I bring that up because it's how I'm going to detail things with bad news first then good news.

I'm moving out of my beloved apartment. *tear*

I've lived here for 2 years, so as you can imagine I've amassed a large amount of scheiße. Packing up my life right is not at all what I want to do, but it's what I have to do. I'm having wartime flashbacks of undergrad days when I was packing and moving nearly 4 times a year (fall semester, winter break, spring semester and summer break). It sucked then and still sucks.

On the upside, I'll be relinquishing my own living space to invade my family's living space. This time around, I'll be having movers doing the manual labor and in the meantime, I'll be saving money. This will allow me to put it to use for much needed expenses, like designer handbags.

I got my feelings crushed at the cusp of you, dear summer.

My situation is similar to walking under a low ceiling, you think it's all gravy until you hit your head on the door threshold. Eh, you had it coming. Or rather I did. As I always say, there's no such thing as all of sudden...

Still a bit bruised, the upside is that I'm single and ready to mingle! I have some new party dresses that need to be taken out for a spin and treated properly.

I didn't get to travel as much as I normally do each year. I like to travel a few places each year and I only made it to D.C., CT, and NY.

Spring fling wasn't eventful, but dear summer you came and brought me to Niagara Falls (Canadian-side), Luxembourg and GERMANY! Fun times. I definitely had a blast (at warp speed) and now...I'm back to reality. Anyhow, a few places I'm planning for this fall are: New Orleans, Anaheim, Prague, and Puerto Rico...fun fun fun!

Overall dear summer, I have enjoyed your visit most this time than in the past. I look forward to your visit next year. Just remember, it's going to be a big year with my graduation[s], new apt, new job [hopefully], graduation party and more traveling.

Come prepared with your dancing shoes!

xoxo
Ms. M.D.

Crime Pays for Luxury (Reprise)

2009-08-10T03:27:00.001-04:00

I wanted to link to the New York Times article I referenced in Crime Pays for Luxury.

Reading this article has gave me new insight into understanding the objective of this design. The idea as stated by prison officials is, "Maximum security outside, maximum freedom inside."

Makes sense, prisoners are still citizens, they aren't being exiled they're just being put on a time-out. BUT (I wouldn't be me if I didn't have a qualm with something) perhaps this is taking things a bit far with the idea of luxury. Thoughts...

So I'm A Hypocrite

2009-08-09T00:19:00.001-04:00

I'm not a big one though.

Hypocrisy is defined as:

There.

I qualify for #2. I just don't always practice what I preach. But I'm still an upstanding citizen.

The thing about advice is that it's always easy to serve, but hard to savor.

Like most humans, the hardest part in following my own advice is that I want my situation to be an exception to my advice. It's easy to feel sorry for So-N-So and his/her unfortunate predicament, while feeling glad it's not you. Don't be misled, I know my situations aren't exceptions to anything in this world, especially when they fit snugly into the parameters of my discussions.

But I keep hope alive.

I know that somewhere, lightening struck someone in the same spot twice. As such, I know that in some far and distant minuscule percentage point, there is a possibility of my advice not applying to me despite seeming so on the surface. Even if this phenomenon never happens, it doesn't mean I'm wrong in what I say... I just need to learn to follow good advice (especially if it's my own).

Will I ever learn? Stay tuned.

But I'm stubborn so this will be a long episode.

You Just Had 2B There

2009-08-03T10:47:00.007-04:00

He left the good stuff behind, and just took the pedophilia with him.
Did you know the #1 cause of death for women are their spouses?
Heterosexuality is dangerous, y'all better be careful.
Yea but it’s not the same; we want all sex, not just half sex.
Yee: Sensitivity is for suckers.
Me: Yea, that’s why it starts with an S
It’s so much bigger when you see it, than when you hear about it.
There are gay penguins raising little penguin-lets. Oh Penguinos!
Rulemaker: I wonder if you can get a penis transplant. I mean people are organ donors.
Dr. Know: Eh I dunno, downtown takes a lot of time to rearrange.
Rulemaker: So what are you doing for your 40^th?
BDL: Well I told "Wifey" I wanted a pimps and ho’s party but she wasn’t cool with that.
If it weren’t for Littlefoot, I’d be trying to pound you like the pavement.
Hypothetically speaking if I punch you in the face, will it hurt?
He’s queen of douchebags.
Moo Moo: NCIS storylines suck
Me: No they don’t. You perverts just want to hear about sexual deviants.
I’m just like condoms are our friends embrace them, fully.
I wonder how butterflies poop.
I wanna find out how she got her requirements fulfilled, probably being a fluffer on a porn set.
Look at you going to Germany and falling in love with a germish guy.
Server: Do you want chicken on that?
Me: Sure I’m feeling frisky.
I swear if you hit her car I’ll beat you up for her.
I hope you have a German/English dic.
He’s one of those white guys who’s so cool, like you shoulda been black but it just didn’t happen for you.
It’s like being with a 16yr old. He’s ready to go at the drop of the dime like, "Here’s my ankle lets go."
He wants to know how I am. You wanna know how I am? Ask your girlfriend how I am.
So he was husband material, but it didn’t work. Who are you gonna find to be Mr. In-Between Mr. Husband Material?
You’re all ripe for the picking and wrapped up in net.
Me: the long term effects of diet pills aren’t really known, so I’ll lose weight the good old fashioned way--
Ms. MIA: By starving and running.
Slap that baby in the neck, he can’t cry if he can’t breathe.
He wasn’t great ‘til he died.
He was good, but I wouldn’t call him the greatest ever, I mean he had one bag of tricks.
If you can’t defeat it, just beat it.
Well no one would cry over the Dalai Lama dying because he couldn’t do the mooonwalk.
He wasn’t my daddy. Shoot, he wasn’t even his kids daddy.
Undisputed: Have you seen the movie Australia?
Me: No, what’s it about?
Undisputed: Australia
So we can finish these Heinekens and go. Oh this is a Corona.
I can drink AND stand on one foot.
Me: it’s your job as my best friend to ensure that nothing questionable happens.
Moo Moo: My judgment isn’t any better than your’s.
Me: You’re right, we’re the blind leading the blind.
Lately I’ve been eating a lot of Pirate’s Booty.
Joan Rivers isn’t even the good plastic. She’s like 4^th generation post consumer waste recylcled plastic.
Someone #1: What’s you’re nationality?
Someone #2: Jamaican
Someone #1: Oooh curry chicken!

Berlin

2009-08-02T17:55:00.005-04:00

So we went to Berlin.

It's interesting to visit this place that seemed so far away is now up close. I didn't really know the WHOLE deal with "the Wall" as a kid. But when I studied PoliSci, I learned more about it.

Needless to say, I was pretty excited about seeing it.

The train ride was 4 hrs (and this was the high speed train) but when I step into the Berlin streets, as strong sense of deja vu envelopes me. I feel like I've been here before...

Oh I know what it is. Berlin is New York City (the German version). Big, loud, dirty and diverse.

We end having to take 2 city trains and walk about 4 (huge) blocks to our hotel. We finally enter and apparently, the penthouse suite we booked was not available. But never fear, the hotel gives us a smaller room and "We get breakfast" for the price of the penthouse, when we could've paid less booking this smaller room with breakfast included.

We must have walked the entire city (both East and West sides) in the 3 days we spent in Berlin. It was a great trip because this city is filled with so much history... It's crazy to think that almost 20yrs ago, this city was so divided and people died trying to cross this wall. It's come a long way.

Final Germany post coming soon...

Hot Potato

2009-07-29T10:41:00.003-04:00

Ok.

I like Germany and all. But now I FULLY understand why they’re always personified as hefty folks and I understand why the Jews felt so uncomfortable in this country.

These people are all about the pork and potatoes. When I get back if I see another sausage, mashed, baked, or fried potato...I’m going to choke someone.

Can I get a chicken or turkey?
Maybe even a salad?

Luxembourg

2009-07-25T17:17:00.001-04:00

Yup there it is.

If you’ve never heard of this place, don’t be alarmed- neither did I until this program. When I found this place on a map, I had to magnify the picture by 600 just to see the spec...I mean country.

Apparently, this country (that is smaller than New York City…not state, by the way) with a population of just under 500,000 grosses a GDP twice that of Germany. Anyhow, we venture on a chartered bus for 3 hours to Luxembourg. Along the way we stop at the Luxembourg American Cemetery where soldiers of WWII are buried. Anyhow, this place was wonderful, not in a “you’ve gotta see it” kinda way, more like stoic. Very symbolic of (a few of) the principles America stood for when it was founded. People, black white or other, all fighting for the same cause. Well you know I’m political, so I’m not even going to get started on this subject.

On the bus we’re asked if we wanted to visit the Nazi Soldier Cemetery as well. Now, if you know me then you know I’m semi-obsessed with learning about the Third Reich. Some people don’t like it because they don’t see the value in studying their actions, minds, words, etc. But I know the only way to avoid a 2nd coming of this horror flick is to watch it over and over studying each scene so you know what to look for every step of the way.

Anyhow, I raise my hand to visit it. I mean there wasn’t really anything to learn from headstones, but I wanted to see what it looked like. I mean there were these two cemeteries less than 5 min apart from one another and they were fighting on opposite sides of the war. It’s a nice way to contrast the difference between the two. And boy was there a difference. It was like day and night, literally. The American cemetery was bright and welcoming. I almost think I heard bells. Every detail was attended to ensure these soldiers rested in peace, respectfully. Clearly this cemetery is well maintained. The Nazi cemetery on the other hand was a different story. The entrance is a dark forest. Now, don’t think this is my feelings about the Nazis speaking, but the forest looked sinister (kinda like the one Red Riding Hood walked through), just not the place you’d want to be alone.

Anyhow after walking about 300 meters, we come upon an stone entrance with a cast iron door. It was bars…not a good look for this cemetery. The forest didn’t allow any light on the path leading up to the cemetery. It wasn’t dark, but it wasn’t sunny either (remember I told you, the sun was out that today). A small part of me wondered if this cemetery was going to be well maintained or look destitute, just wanted to know how they treat war criminals who died fighting for this cause they believed in (whether we think it’s right or wrong). Anyhow, that was my observation. I just thought it would be interesting to visit these sites and look at the contrast. Ironically enough, earlier in the week we visited a Jewish cemetery.

Onward to Luxembourg City.

Picturesque is a just one word to describe this town. How can I put it so you'll understand?

Hmmm. Ok, picture how you felt when you saw Cinderella’s town (I don’t care if you’re a boy, I’m sure you liked the town too). This town reminded me of how it looked and made me feel like a little girl (yes giddy). I heard birds chirping and violins playing...beckoning me to walk around this little town and take millions of pictures.

UNFORTUNATELY, my damned camera died because I was snapping pictures of stupid stuff on the bus ride. I’m pissed I was taking pics of mountains, clouds and rainbows. Anyways, I stole some pics from other people, but I still saw all this stuff so it doesn’t make a difference.

Back to my point.

This city looks like a little Cinderella town. I was just waiting for people to start sparking like dysfunctional machines like the Stepford wives. It was a great day, I just wish I had more time to see the town, but alas it was just a day trip.

More to come.

You Americans

2009-07-24T09:17:00.009-04:00

We decided to have a group outing tonight...

The night started well enough. Nearly 30 of us went to dinner and we crammed into this F-A-B restaurant downtown. There were a bunch of tables, one big and a few small ones scattered. I immediately run and grab a small table in the back. We were right in the action, but I knew the big table was going to be a headache at check time (and I was right). The place did an awesome job at accommodating us and I had some fabulous chicken somethings…um…I don’t remember what I had, but it was good.

Anyhow, I do remember that I tried a drink called, “The Ladykiller”. Now I only had one, so it didn’t kill me but that drink was trouble. I highly recommend trying this drink (lady or gent). We’re all chatting moving about and having a jolly good time. Then we decide to move on to another bar or club. Our table had 4 people, so the bill was easy. I’m waiting for our server and wonder where she is with the bill, until I notice a line forming.

Oh no, please don’t tell me…

Oh, but yes. Everyone from the big table was finished and instead of having a point person handling the money, they each go up (yes, one by one) and tell the server what portion of the bill they’re covering.

TACK-LESS!!!
(Tacky + Reckless = TACKLESS)

I couldn’t believe it went down that way. I mean I’ve never…seen that in my life. Now I wouldn’t have been so appalled if it was a group of 8, if that’s how you flow. But it was a table that seated nearly 20+ people!!
Tackless I tell you.

Anyways, as we stand outside to wait, it’s clear people from the big table are agitated by the few who decided to make a line to pay their portion of the bill, and they were still short. No one should have to pay anyone's bill, but that table didn’t organize things so that everyone paid what they weighed. Eventually we move on.

But the harmony disappeared...

Some people decided to go to the club. Some of us decided to hit up a bar and just keep it low-key. We head to the Flemming’s Hotel that has an awesome view of the city. We all got tequila shots (I love Jose, he's the only man who never fails me) and took them together. This was a great foreign exchange. Well, we all did except for Band Girl. She had never taken a shot and was apprehensive about doing it. It was so funny, but pathetic at the same time. She was hyperventilating and nearly in tears over this shot. She finally drinks it. But the whole interaction was bizarre.

We head downstairs and the hotel concierge was nice enough to call a cab for us. **SIDENOTE: I miss Wet Willies…I need some Miami in my life ASAP.** Anyways, this is when the madness started.

Two of the guys begin picking up the complimentary apples, juggling, dropping and replacing them in the container. (Being stupid boys...) This was ridic, so I just walked out of the hotel to wait outside for our cabs. Groomie stayed in there, telling them to stop and show some respect.

When we get into the cab, Ms. Congeniality decided to "try" to dig into Groomie and lecture her on how ridiculous it was that she was so annoyed with the guys because "THEY’RE JUST APPLES".

They get into it.

And Groomie lets her have it.

She explains (nicer than she should've been) that the perception Europeans have of Americans is already distorted and actions like that only help to feed into the stereotypes. But here's the kicker, these weren’t the Americans acting this way (it was Aussie and Oxford). Ms. Congeniality says it’s not the serious again, and I jump in to mention that these were the non-Americans acting this way and this is what Groomie means, then I butt out.

She then tells Groomie not to sit next to her on the bus to Luxembourg tomorrow and don’t speak to her anymore. Not that Groomie had anything to say to her anyways, she agrees. Less than 20secs later Ms. Congeniality says, “So this is how we’re going to end it? I think this is a really stupid way to end things.”

At this point we're all confused, including the German-speaking cab driver.

Um...

I don’t know if she’s ever been in a fight before, but generally speaking when you issue an ultimatum it’s always best to follow thru on it. AND furthermore, what else was there to say? This girl has some serious personality issues. Perhaps one of her other personalities emerged and didn’t know what was going on (kind of like that movie "Identity").

I'm concerned for her.

Final Thought:
Being considered a “foreigner” is an interesting concept. While the other Americans gain awareness that they are not the norm in this land and their actions are being judged, I am acutely aware of this all the time. Being Black forces you to always be aware of your actions and the judgments being formed as a result of them. It makes sense that Ms. Congeniality didn’t, doesn’t, and probably won’t get it. I think on a different level because I wasn’t afforded a cute custom made Lisa Frank knapsack to put my privilege. I was born into a world that always judges my appearance before my actions and character. On top of that, I not only carry my personal burdens, but the past and present burdens of my people.

I don’t have to think about watching my actions here because I do the same thing at home, it's an unconscious act. The difference is that here I’m not only combating the distorted views they have about Black people, but also about Americans. Take for instance, Aussie and Senorita being scared of America because “Everyone has guns.” I can only imagine what they've heard about Black people in America...

It’s always an uphill climb (with roller-skates) for Black folks. When I see how oblivious people can be to their full "knapsack", I realize that I’m more privileged than the so-called privileged…

Auf Wiedersehen

2009-07-19T19:33:00.007-04:00

Yep.

I told you this was coming. I took my show on the road.

As I get settled into my routine in Frankfurt, Germany I wanted to start a chronicle of my stay for your entertainment.

First, the FAA grinds my gears. This whole 3-1-1 rule is absurd. I understand that people feel “safer” since they know we’re only allotted a certain amount of 3-ounce bottles that fit into a quart size zippie and is less likely to blown up an entire plane but, if anything gets blown up you won't survive anyways so just let me bring my regular sized bottle please. This false sense of “security” is how Americans fall prey to…well predators.

I started the first leg of my trip on Saturday afternoon. We boarded the plane, which was a short flight to JFK, or so I thought. We sat in the plane on the tarmac for 15 minutes, just waiting (according to the pilot) because we "had time to kill". We got airborn and arrived at JFK on time, so what did they have us do? Sit in the plane because the one at our gate hadn't finished boarding. We sat on that plane for 45 minutes, which was longer than the flight to JFK. I can already tell you that by this time, I wasn't in the mood for nonsense.

My second flight was MUCH better. This is when I met Samson (no his strength isn't in his hair). Samson was my plane buddy and we lucked out when the guy between us moved, so we had lots of leg room during the 7hr flight. Ironically, we were two of the 5 black folks on the plane and somehow got placed together (conspiracy?). I also decided to have 4 glasses of complimentary weine (wine) and watch a movie....TAKEN. Great idea as I chat up the stranger next to me. BTW, that movie was so farfetched.

I had to take the Frankfurt City train to Konstablerwache catch the 30 bus to my Freidberg Waste. I was fine until I got off the train at my stop, only to realize NONE of the escaltors were working so I had to lug my 51lb rolling duffle up the non-moving stairs. Fan-freaking-tastic. Then a really nice girl came along and helped me carry it (and who says Germans aren't nice people?)

All appeared to be going well until I got on the right bus, going in the wrong direction. I got off and sat to wait for the right bus going in the right direction. I got kind of bored so I took 20 pics to pass the time. On the bus I met Aussie. We quickly became friends when we realized that we're both native English speakers. We decided it was best to get lost with an English speaking stranger, than be alone not speaking any of the nearest languages (including German). Just as we got off the bus, it began to pour (yes I left Boston's sunny weather to come into to crap) but it's warm so I'm not complaining. We started looking for signs pointing us in the right direction, and each time we found one it pointed us to the next. It was our scavenger hunt.

We're at a really nice hotel (which is surprisingly a Best Western). My roommate and I will be living on top of each other for the next month (I wish I was only speaking figuratively) because our beds are tiny, with about 4in of space between. If I roll over in the middle of the night, I'll be on top of her. It should be quite interesting. LOL

When my Groomie (Germany + Roomie = Groomie) arrived, we decided to go on an adventure. We went downtown to see the PRIDE festival. Sadly I missed yesterday's excitement of drag queens parading.

Frankfurt is an amazing city. I'm not proud to admit, I wasn’t very fond of the Germans prior to my visit. I mean they were cool and all, especially with the whole making cars thing. But something just wasn’t there for me. Now, I can safely say, these are my kind of people. Since arriving I’ve perfected the phrases, “Hallo. Sprechen sie Englisch? Wo ist die toiletten. Auf wiedersehen.” I am learning more German slowly, but I now understand how people feel when they come to America with the language barrier. Everyone in the program is like fish out of water. It’s hard to articulate yourself when you don’t speak the language, and for some people English is their 2nd,(3rd or 4th) so German is not on the radar at all. Most of the Frankfurtians we’ve encountered speak "some" English.

Since we’re on this topic I thought I’d tell you why I love the Germans.
1. They get to down to business, little or no formalities. Now I understand formalities give you a chance to build a rapport with someone, but they also waste time. If I want to talk, I’ll wait until it’s chatting time (like over any food or beverage).
2. Even in the city, the speed limit is 30-50 kph (around 19-32mph) but they still drive fast. They live on the wild side.
3. Despite others annoyance with the lack of excuse me’s in the this country, I don’t mind it. I’ve found they avoid having physical contact with you, but that doesn’t mean they won’t bump into you and keep it moving. But also, I think its just a certain mentality of not sweating the small stuff.
4. They have a certain sink or swim culture. I love it.
5. This is the motherland of my favorite gummy bears in the world…Haribo!!! (YAY!)
6. Hagen Daas...need I say more?

Our program is quite diverse (me being the only brown person). There are 36 participants from 16 countries and 5 continents…if that’s not a diverse cultural background then you need to get out more. Besides hanging with my Groomie, I’ve taken to hanging with Ballerina who is from the Czech Republic, Kare Bear from Wisconsin (no she doesn't like cheese) and Georgia who is...well from Georgia. It's funny because being the few Americans in the program, we feel some sort of bond with each other. But it’s amazing how we come from the same country but are so vastly different, it goes to show that even your neighbors can be foreign at times.

I want to say I was really shocked about this cultural difference but I wasn’t. However, one experience that came on Day 4 was during conversation with Russian Senorita. As we exited our German language class, I took off my hoodie and stood next to her. She looks at me and exclaims, “Gosh, you so black!” (while holding her arm next to mine).

Most black folks would’ve started cussing her out or decked her in the eye, but I wasn't angry at her ignorance. When I use the word "ignorant" I mean it in the most explicit definition, "lack of knowledge or information". I also could tell she didn’t mean any harm in her statement, she just lacks a verbal filter (as we all have learned going in the week #2). Anyhow, we continued in our conversation, and she began telling me that there are virtually no black people in Russia. She had never spoken to a black person before me, and was scared of them because in Russia they are mean. But I was nice, so she wasn’t scared of me. She also asked if we come in different colors and I told her we are an array of lovely brown tones. If you take offense to my darling Senorita, then please don’t. She’s a sweetheart, but she is also a product of her environment. This experience has made me acutely aware of how important first impressions really are..

Headed to Luxembourg, more on that.

Happy reading.

Not YOUR Brand of Nice

2009-07-07T12:47:00.021-04:00

I want my headstone to read:
"She wasn't your brand of nice."

I think this is most befitting of my persona. I'm not the ooey gooey sweet nice that American culture says I should be. I'm my own brand of nice. I always try to be considerate. But despite my best efforts people are never satisfied. If I'm honest, then I don't understand how it's not nice.

It befuddles me how quickly people say, "you're mean" if you opt not to do what they expect of you. When someone tells me I'm mean, I need a clear reason of how it applies to me. Please and thank you.

Por Ejemplo:
When people ask for a favor.

If I say no, why am I mean? Perhaps I'm tired. I'm sure when asked for this favor you didn't think to ask whether I needed a nap. Or maybe I just don't want to do you a favor. Is that so wrong? Freedom of choice, one of the principles this fine country was founded on. If I'm mean, so be it. Howdoya like them apples?

Por Ejemplo:
Michael Jackson was an icon; I get that. He redefined what it means to be a musical entertainer; I get that too.

Don't think I'm heartless; I promise you that I am not. I have a lot of feelings (that I sometimes have to search for). But since I'm so pragmatic, some things just don't make any sense. Did his death suck? Yes. Was it sad? Absolutely. Did my life change? Mmm, not so much.

Everyone thinks I'm mean because I didn't really care one way or the other. Honestly, the moonwalk didn't change my life. MJ was a great performer, but I mean he hasn't been all that great as of recent. I guess if he took his good stuff with him I'd be really sad ('cause I do love MJ), but he left it here so my routine was uninterrupted.

Perhaps I need some lessons on empathy ...I am rather inept in this area.

Back to the topic...

I realize I'm an acquired taste for most. You either love me or hate me because I'm not like the average bear. My niceness takes some getting used to, so I'll give you time to adjust.

I just think American culture conditions us with an "unrealistic and heightened expectation of niceness" that is not the same in the rest of the world. But I guess since America is the only place that exists, American's feel they'll never have to experience those global "meanies". Whatever the case I'm like semi-sweet chocolate, not everyone will like me because I just might not be their brand of nice.

My slogan:

Nice on my own terms.

Take it or leave it.

My Latest Calling

2009-07-07T12:42:00.005-04:00

I've decided my calling is to make music videos with animated characters.

This is an exclusive viewing...
Introducing: Hoops and Yo-yo in "Awesome Fantastical Hotness (link is safe, I promise): http://games.hoopsandyoyo.com/videoMaker/playMovie.aspx?i=47116

SOMETIMES YOU ARE LEFT WITH ONE LETTER...Y?

2009-07-03T01:22:00.014-04:00

People perpetually confuse me, and pictures such as these offer insight as to why.

I give her snaps for at least being in the crosswalk, but I think she could've waited to test the Segway for another day.

This was for a job fair... I think I would've felt just a teensy bit weird walking through that door.

I know you can't just stand idly by, but rather than grabbing a pot of water perhaps evacuation is a good idea.

P.S. Elementary school fire safety: throwing a small amount of water on a big blaze won't stop it.

I am a firm believe that sometimes, you have to blame the victim...

How did the kid get up there?

(Photo credit: Funatico.com; Loscuratroojos.com)

Crime Pays (for Luxury)

2009-06-25T14:19:00.021-04:00

I peruse many sites and one thing I found quite interesting is pictures of a prison in Austria. With digs like this, moving an illegal substance with intent to distribute is looking mighty tempting.

This is the outside of the building. (I know it's already got your mind going. Mine too.)
This prison is nicer (and cleaner) than some hospitals. It's hard to imagine that we have people in developed countries, such as this one, living like paupers but prisoners living like princes(ses).

Digs like this just scream, "If you move the right drug, then you're one step away from living in the lap of luxury."

I don't agree with the system only being punitive, it should be rehabilitative as well. But when people in prison are living better than law biding citizens... I begin to worry.

If breaking the law is this enticing, soon everyone will be in jail and no one to pay for it.

My dorm room wasn't even this nice... tsk tsk tsk.
Like Jadakiss said, "I know dudes who go to jail just to get their teeth fixed."

I guess they go for vacation now too.

Seriously!?
My high school didn't even have its own gym and the one we borrowed looked like this one, only 30 years from now with no updates.
Sad. *smh*

FAMILY FUN TIME!!
Did you notice the TV mounted on the wall in the picture of the room?

(Go ahead and take another peek)

Well here is it's big brother.
Foozeball?
Shouldn't there be more time for reflection about becoming a better citizen... maybe some rehabilitative classes? I know when you're locked up, there's very little to do and you have to keep the inmate entertained, but um...

TIME OUT! This gym is off the hook! AND the equipment is NEW. Seriously, the gov't dollars that went into the construction, design, and interior decoration of this prison could've went into building a new school to prevent the need for a "designer" prison.

(photo credits: Bad Control)

Three Week Itch

2009-06-25T13:52:00.032-04:00

This blog is brought to you by the number 3 and letter C.

Three is a number that's always been pretty big in my life.

I'm one of three kids.

My first initial is third in the alphabet.

The list goes on...

Currently, the biggest three in my life is that I'll be leaving for my first trip overseas in three weeks. I am itching in anticipation for this adventure to begin. My feelings are a mixture of excitement/nervousness/anxiety to experience something different.

With the number three swirling all around me, another has popped up- the three week itch in a relationship.

As the first crest in the waves of relationships, this is a high point where things begin to feel like they're settling down, routines set in, and things become familiar. All is well, things are great and you feel on top of the world. All past relationships pale in comparison to this wonderful place. When you reach this point it begs the question:

Blissful contentment or Blissful euphoria?

This euphoric state is symptomatic to new relationships. An adrenaline rush, it's the honeymoon period...kinda like the passenger side mirror on your car, "this relationship may appear to be deeper than it is". No matter how much time goes by, we always learn new things about people. The "itch" time normally doesn't allow for full disclosure or comfort just yet, and this euphoria often turns into hallucinations. You interact with a person constantly over this time, which makes you feel comfortable and familiar. But don't be fooled by the illusion, these things don't come from the fun playtime during your "itchiness" .

Even if you're dating someone you already knew, there are still surprises in store. This point in the relationship is like the three month evaluation at a new job. You have the position, but you're still in the probationary stage. It's a nice feeling, but it's also very new.

Once that shine rubs off, then the true beauty (or ugly) in a person shines through. This blissful crest in a relationship doesn't prove anything except you're still in "interview mode". When looking back at how far a relationship has come, making it through the "itch" isn't a milestone. Three years down road, these three weeks will be a blip on the map. It's making it through the uncomfortable, squirmy, downright weird moments that you look back and say, "We've come far!" It's not until you get through those squirmy moments that you truly have reached a milestone crest in this series of waves...

THE AGE OF INFLATION

2009-06-24T17:53:00.013-04:00

I had a random thought about my childhood earlier. Thinking about how your values change as your get older.

I miss my childish lack of social pressure. I didn't care what I looked like, and didn't mind running out of the house with my hair running amok with missing barrettes. When I was a kid, you had to strap me in a chair to get my hair done. For some reason I was cursed with an insanely sensitive scalp (I guess all my sensitive nerves ended up on my scalp instead of in my brain). I have a school picture where my hair is looking rough, upon further inquiry I learned that no attempt was made at my hair that day...and I was none the wiser.

I miss having my clothes picked out for me. It was always nice to sleep until my human alarm clock woke me up and have my clothes laid out for me. The only effort I ever needed to exert in the morning was in the shower.

I miss walking around with messy clothes without people giving you the side eye. I'm a klutz, and thus notoriously drip, drop, and dribble things onto my attire. It's so bad that I can't have any red (or any colored) substances while I'm wearing white clothing. One day I'm going to let my shirt and pants get messy from a hard day's work (or the hole in my lip), and walk around like that all day including missing barrettes.

I miss trusting strangers, namely the ICEE LADY. Just like a pair of those red baby shoes, we all had one growing up. She's the lady around the way who capitalized off trusting children, and increased her disposable income, with a few small purchases of sugar, Kool Aid, and Solo cups.

I miss going in the house and having my dinner plate waiting. You can't pay for service like that. Nowadays, I can't even get my mom to make me a PBJ sandwich, much less cook and serve me a meal.

I miss TGIF (not the restaurant). My family used to sit and watch all those shows -the only family in America that did so- religiously. I just liked watching those shows because I knew my brother and I wouldn't fight over the remote... no homicide that night!

I miss doing things that were wrong, but being able to get a pass because I was a kid. Like paying for one movie and sneaking into another. I would do it now, but I can't make it through two movies in a row anymore. (Oh yeah, and stealing is wrong)

I miss feeling like I played the market by running over the "highway" for a pack of $0.10 "Now Or Laters" and coming back with $1.00 worth of snacks. At some point, society made sure I knew that having an increase of nearly 1000% of my actual net worth wasn't as great, unless it was in millions.

Looking back on these things makes adulthood suck... just a wee bit more.

You Just HAD 2B There

2009-06-23T23:07:00.012-04:00

COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE CONVERSATIONS THAT HAVE THE BEST QUOTABLES!

BDL: He said he's into asian porn
TN: Why asian porn? Why doesn't he wanna see white people doing it?
BTW swallowing is overrated. It's OK for special occasions, your birthday, and (if Jewish) all 8 days of Hanukkah but everyday, no thanks.
Me: Well my bosom is here...
Yee: For me to rest my head upon?
BDL: I'm going to buy an RV and park it in a lot.
Me: What if people try to break in?
BDL: I'll tell 'em, if my double wide is rocking, don't come a knockin'.
One's a little stacked in the back.
Me: FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket and yell: "Take me awww lawwwd take me!!!"
Yee: I'll have to practice that so it sounds right
Me: Well wait, i'm being cremated so you have to grasp my urn.
Yee : What if i accidentally spill you?
Me: Just don't let any cats get near me. Actually, I think my urn should be a screw top.
BG: If sex were food, we'd be malnourished.
AG: I, personally, would probably be dying of starvation.
BG: And i'm hungry right now, maybe we should ask for handouts.
AG: We'll be begging in the streets it will be like prostitution, except we won't be accepting cash payments that way, everyone wins, and you don't go to jail for solicitation.
BG: It's bartering! The principles this fine country was founded on: fair trade & capitalism
AG: The barter system never dies out, no matter what people try to tell you.
Moo Moo: Yea he's a freak and said she doesn't do a-ny-thing.
Me: Well she should know if you're not your man's ho, he'll go out and find one. *pause* But I don't mean you're that ho.
Me: Dogs eyes freak me out
K. Nik: Why?
Me: I don't know they just do.
K. Nik: Oh well cows eyes freak me out too.
K. Nik: Wait, look at this guy. This is gonna be interesting.
Me: Um, I think that's a girl.
K. Nik: Well I told you it'd be interesting.
See he's the Peanut Butter, and you're the Jelly. You belong together, but now the Fluff is trying to get between you. No one likes Fluff, so somehow we have to get the Peanut Butter back with the Jelly.

***HAD 2B THERE SPECIAL***

I went to a concert and this befriended this random girl, Lauren. She was so sweet, but very drunk. Needless to say, she was quite amusing and gave me a few lines! **Please be advised her language is not suitable for children**

Lauren: Who's this on stage?
Me: Day 26
Lauren: Who the !*ck are they? What's the name of their album...Day 27? That's whack.
Are you ok? Why aren't you excited? Why are you alone? Wait are those your sunglasses? You betta rock that ish!! See cuz last year I came with my boyfriend and he wouldn't let me get up, so !*ck that, I'm having fun!
OMG my best friend is grinding on some lesbian and we don't even know her!
How dare you not tell me I missed Maino! OMG you didn't !*cking tell me I missed Maino-
HI HATER!!
Me: You don't even know the words
Lauren: Don't !*cking tell me I don't know the words I love Akon!! I know the words, I just didn't know where they were.
Lauren: Did I miss a lot?
Me: Not really, just Kid Cudi and Serani
Lauren: Oh no I wanted to say, "It's it's it's Serani!"
Me: You just did
Lauren: Oh you're right I sure did.
*disgusted* Who the !*ck is this white kid? (mind you she's white)
I feel like someone is gonna punch me in the face. Can't you make sure that doesn't happen?
Lauren: High five!
Me: For what?
Lauren: For being bad girls who don't get caught! Whooooo!
You're leaving to smoke? I'm not leaving for two reasons 1. you don't even smoke and 2. why would we pay to smoke when we can smoke someone else's stuff?

Affirmations

2009-06-12T23:28:00.021-04:00

* Especially for the S.O.B. who keeps stealing your sandwich from the employee fridge.

In the end it doesn't matter how hard you work, it's about winning the game. So work smart, not hard (as evidenced in the picture above).
Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield, here's hoping you see the windshield before you feel it.
No one is listening until you fart, so save your intelligent points until then.
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
Good things don't fall apart so better things can fall together; they fall apart because the bond was super glue and cement.
Don't test the depth of the water with both feet.
Your sole purpose in life simply maybe to serve as a bad example.
It's far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. If you have to tell people you are, then you aren't.
When you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again don't chalk it up as a loss, it's called a sound investment.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything and can't be blamed for being mean if your simply stating the facts.
Good judgment comes from bad experiences, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving, so never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it, and when you do it's useless until you forget it and need it again.
When you wear pigtails, everyone is nicer to you.
Hats and heels will always get you bonus style points, unless you smell.

Past Tense/Present Tension

2009-06-09T21:20:00.015-04:00

I was posed with a question:

After a break-up, would you want to know if s/he cheated?

This is a very loaded question. If someone spit in your soup, would you want to know after you've finished? Will you be more, or less, angry because you've finished it already and can't change anything? Will this change your opinion of the soup (spit included)?

As I've stated on numerous occasions, fishing expeditions always end with fish. With this being said, be sure you're ready for them to bite. I'm not in the habit of asking rhetorical or closed-ended questions; I like answers. Weird as it may be questions like this intrigue me, I always wonder (post-break up), "Was he able to get away with it?"

It's not a productive thing to ponder, but it's something that crosses my mind nonetheless. It's especially pressing when you break up with a person, and they begin dating someone else or someone close immediately after. If signs like these seem to point to an affirmative answer, then it only makes you want to ask even more.

I would go ballistic upon finding out, which is why I won't ask - period. I don't care when I find out about "cheating" if I was in the relationship when it happened, then it's a problem.

Asking such questions in the past tense can make the present tense. At this point in your relationship, this topic is a moot point. If it happened, you continued in your blissful ignorance none-the-wiser and should continue on. It's understandable if you want answers now, but how would this change anything for the better? In fact, a question like this would only work towards the worst.

My level of pissivity will always be the same because cheating is cheating no matter when I learn about it. I'll trust a thief before a liar because a thief is only after my world possessions, but a liar is after my world perceptions. Simply put, liars paint a false picture, which would make me more pissed off because this person manipulated what I thought was real. It wouldn't take away from what we had, but it will take away from what we currently have. If you enjoyed the soup, knowing it was laced with spit taints the experience and you won't think fondly about it anytime soon until you get over being angry.

I'm not saying people should live in an ignorant bubble. But I do think that if certain things are revealed they won't contribute positively to a relationship.

On the subject of cheating, I'm a peace-loving sista by nature, but someone would get snuffed for this one.

You Just Had 2B There

2009-06-08T14:04:00.005-04:00

If you hit me again, I might be stimulated.

Me: I would be a homewrecker for you.
BDL: No you wouldn't; We'd invite you in.

Yee: I just dropped [name redacted] off at the Hoe-tel. I feel like I just dropped my child off on the first day of school
Me: Did you tell her to make the right choices?
Yee: I gave her $20 for cab fare. There will be no walk of shame, it will be a stride of pride, or in this case a ride.

It's like Goldilocks and the 3 Bears, for her it's just right.

I don't deal with normal, I deal with magnums.

A snow leopard can jump 50ft? Well that when we have to abandon the women and children, and fend for ourselves.

Pumpkin: Can we root for the Yankees?
Fireman: Not unless you wanna sleep in the shed with the lawn mower.

Detective: Babe, can I have your pickle?
Fireman: Ohh, you betta stop talking dirty in front of your mom.

Why does she wanna stay here? I mean she's British, so why doesn't she just go be British, or whatever?

The Last Slice

2009-06-05T12:43:00.024-04:00

You could have my heart
or we can share it like the last slice.
- Drake

Lines like the ones above make you think. Anytime you're in a relationship, the other person is your everything. It's not until you go through the 5 stages of loss that you begin to realize "s/he just might not be the best I ever had."

Some people just are not willing to share, but sharing is caring. Basically, it's the difference between your willingness to give a kidney to someone, but driving you to dialysis is where the other person draws the line. Hmmm.

Sharing the last slice is serious business because we all know the last bite of anything is always the best. If you're willing to share your heart like the last slice...it should be the best, right?

My theory is, if you want something you have to give it your all (for the non-math wiz that's 100%). Many people say they want things, but only share 85%. I'm no Life Guru, although I play one on TV, but for anything worth having there are only two options: give it your all or give it a rest.

Sharing your "last slice" is giving until the last bit and it really is the best, which explains the devastation left post-break up. The feeling that you're "last slice" wasn't filling enough makes sense, when you think about it in these terms. Rather than feeling like you didn't give enough, think about it in other ways. Perhaps you were too rich, similarly to rich chocolate. It is still sweet, but its richness has a special kick. Don't force feed anyone, there is someone else who can savor the flavor and appreciate your "last slice".

I'm going through a phase where I explore different themes and concepts in romantic relationships. I know I know, there are other things to talk about. However, since human interaction occupies most of our time, it is a universal topic that everyone can relate to and I love hearing feedback about these things.

OFFICIALLY [UN]TITLED

2009-06-04T22:56:00.023-04:00

A rose by any other name will still smell as sweet... but it definitely won't cost as much.

In this day and age, the courtship process is so complex. Back in the day it was simple, you were either “courting” or “married”. These were the only respectable titles to promote publicly and it was always with one person at a time, there weren’t any in between titles (at least not publicly).

>>Fast-forward to 2009 >> We’ve made sub-classifications to avoid crowning anyone with a real title.

® Talkin’
® Hanging Out
® Kickin’ It
® Just Chillin’
® Feeling It Out
® Dealing
® Seeing What Happens

It’s cushy undefined zones like these that have made navigating the dating scene like playing Battleship…blindfolded, just plain confusing and annoying. Some people don’t care about titles; they don’t see the significance in them. The sentiment normally is, “”we know what we have”, titles won’t change anything. Here’s the thing: titles are the only way you can know what’s what and play your position. In our society we put so much emphasis on titles and classifications in the wrong areas that we ignore the important ones.

Being the de facto significant other isn’t the same as being the appointed one. There is a big difference in job description. Would you do the job of a CEO, but be paid as though you were a volunteer? Probably not. Sure volunteering is great, but at some point you need a real job with benefits. Let's not forget, you can’t live off of love sandwiches. You don’t work without benefits, so why should your relationship be any different? There comes a point where you have to decide: poop or get off the pot?

Titles are important, but the perks and privilege that come with them are better. No matter how hard you try to be the CEO… you aren’t. A volunteer is not gonna be riding on the company jet, point blank.

A (Not so) Hypothetical Story:

You’ve been involved in a long distance relationship for a few months. Things are going well with this person and are (technically) very serious, but officially you’re "talking". You’ve discussed having the official titles and exclusivity, but the other person is against it because of proximity: “I don’t want to be cheated on”, or “The distance makes things harder.” As a result, this person starts putting pressure on you to move, in order to make things official. You’re in school, with at least another year left...

Did we not learn anything from Waiting To Exhale?

You do not pull a Robin, by moving (out of state, especially) without some security that this person is really down for you. Picking up your life is a big deal… you don’t quit one job unless you have another lined up, and you definitely don’t move without a plan or a more established union, which starts with a title. Honestly, if this person is bothered by the distance or possibility of cheating, then a title is the least of your worries. Insecurity flags are being thrown left and right. In reality, cheating will happen with (or without) close proximity and being cheated on locally won’t hurt any more, or less.

Building on your relationship is important, but you gotta build on yourself first, it’s your insurance policy. We all saw how Bernie didn’t build on herself, while her hubby did. She ended up chopping all her hair off and losing her damn mind for a minute, not a good look at all. Anyone who cares about you will see the value in what you're doing and be patient.

Another (not so) Hypothetical Story:

You’re dating Mr. Awareness, who is everything but aware of your feelings about titles. It’s been a couple of months, and you feel like it’s time to have “the talk”. You’re relationship is great, but he still feels as though his relevance in your life is minimal. You want him to know you care and would like to be serious, but it’s hard to bring up uncomfortable topics without him shutting down.

It sucks feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around certain topics with your love. But what’s worse is being involved with someone and not being able to let him know you want and need more of a commitment from him. The only way to get an answer is to ask, and at the end of the day, we are all too old to be dating for fun. It’s about working towards something and titles are the next logical step.

Middle of the road classifications help no one. Sometimes, it’s nice to have clear distinctions so that everyone can play the proper position (i.e. the kicker won’t be doing the quarterback’s job). Driving a car without a license is a violation, so is operating a relationship without a title. If you choose to do so, it’s at your own risk. Please believe that if he's hesitant to put a title on it, putting a ring on it is not in the nearest of any future. My suggestion: don’t let anyone get off on a technicality by leaving things untitled.

Friend or Foe?

2009-06-04T09:42:00.022-04:00

Facebook is something that is on everyone’s mind… especially if you are in your tweens, teens and twenties. It’s the way to communicate with long-lost and very close friends on a daily basis and gives you access to anyone who’ll accept your friend request.

But how much communication is too much in the area of dating relationships?

PRO: If you’re into the PDA, then you can pump it up a notch on here. FB allows you to make your presence known (as the significant other) and show the world that you love each other by having status messages about missing each other or cooking dinner for one another.
CON: You start looking for things that you might not have otherwise thought about. For instance, checking your beloved’s page and scrutinizing every wall post from the opposite sex, dissecting and interpreting each message like a CIA intel-agent. You are not a spy and if you start on a fishing expedition…you better be ready if something bites.

PRO: When good things happen in your relationship, like engagements or marriage, you can let people know.
CON: If you’re relationship hits the rocks, your other half can let the whole world know “it’s complicated”. Kind of embarrassing to have everyone know that you’re in relationship counseling (especially if it is before you find out).

PRO: When you are trying to get over someone, FB has made it easier since you can hide people from your mini-feed. With the click of a button, what you don’t know won’t hurt you (literally). You don’t have to un-friend anyone… just hide ‘em for a bit until you can stand to read the cutesy status updates.
CON: You’re still FB friends, meaning still accessible.

PRO: It increases your interaction with each other. Leaving cute FB messages here, there and everywhere.
CON: It becomes your only interaction with each other. When you make plans, it’s normally thru wall posts and messages. You can’t even remember the last time you actually spoke to each other.

Facebook is our friend if we let it be, but remember we control things... not the machines.

Selling Yourself (Short)

2009-06-03T22:12:00.022-04:00

It's always hard to like someone...who wants to be with someone else.

We are gluttons for punishment, and torture ourselves by not only pining over a person, but maintaining direct and constant contact. The cliche reason for keeping contact is to remain friends, but in truth it's really a good way to keep selling yourself to this person. It's not quite prostitution, but it is solicitation.

However at some point in the process, selling yourself becomes selling yourself short.

Strong feelings are great, but we can't live off of love sandwiches. There has to be something tangible. When selling yourself, there comes a point when you have to realize, "You can't special order awesome". It's just not possible. Either you are or you aren't. If you have to spell it out for this person, then (for this person) you aren't. Heartbreaking to hear, I know. But there's an upside- it doesn't mean you suck. So don't be sad, be awesome instead. It's probably best that this person went in another direction or perhaps it was very necessary. Whatever the case, consider me a cop; I'm arresting you for solicitation...it's for your own good.
(Your) To Do List:

First thing's first, get a mental oil change and get rid of the sludge that's left from your unrequited love. It sounds harsh, but let's be for real if it was mean to be, then we wouldn't be talking about it in the future (or past) tense. It's going to be a slow process, but slow and steady wins the race. (This means you need to cut off the communication for a bit)
Next, the best way to get over an old love is to occupy your damn time. I normally don't like to reference movies but Two Can Play That Game was right about this one. I'm not suggesting random hook-ups... but I do suggest taking up new activities such as, boxing or rock climbing. It's a constructive way to get out that built up tension.
Finally, you have to accept the situation as it is and rise above it. Feeling hurt, or sad, is going to happen, but you have to accept that the choice was made.

It'll be hard to get the previous person out of your mind, so in the meantime you can channel your energy into making sure you look FIERCE!

*wink wink*

Loose Lips Sink Ships

2009-06-02T16:05:00.021-04:00

In case you didn't know, I am very observant person (a peeping Tom, of a sort).

When most people think my ADD is in action and I'm unaware, it's just my camouflage taking effect. I consider myself a person who knows nothing, but knows everything. Despite my Chatty Cathy exterior, believe it or not, I am a pretty good listener. It's through observation and listening that I gain more insight about people. Staying quiet forces the other person to continue filling the silent void. If you have enough conversations with a person... s/he will give you all the info needed to piece a story (or lie) together, like a puzzle.

I've been told I'm a person who offers information on a "Need To Know" basis; I'm a political talker. This means I talk in circles around my business and then endlessly probe you instead (but only if you let me). I can be direct in my delivery of information, but I also like to throw curve ball subliminals... It's not avoidance, but selectivity on what information is provided, to whom, when, where and why.

--->kind of like this post (which may or may not be) aimed at specific individuals<---

Idioms such as, "Silence is Golden", were created for a reason. To serve as a glaring warning telling you to keep your trap shut. This is EXACTLY how stalkers and serial killers find people, then you end up on the news saying, "I just don't know how he found me." DUH, DUM DUM...you basically gave him the key.

When your gums get to flapping, I feel like a detective finding clues and solving the "mystery", if you will. I'm a predator in some ways and watch for those moments when classified information is given out. (Don't Give Me an MBA...I'll be DANGEROUS!!). The next time you start yapping around me, bear in mind I have a fierce memory and piece things together quickly. So when you tell me one thing...you had better remember it because I sure will. But I won't point out your inconsistencies until it's the perfect time to catch you in a lie!!! Which brings me to my point:

*Disclaimer: I do not endorse lying.*

Here's the thing, lying is like art. Sure...in theory, everyone can sing but that doesn't mean everyone can do it well. Singers are called singers because of the skill they exhibit in their art-form, they are the best. Lying is no different. If you are going to lie, be the best at it.

I don't like being told lies, and try not to do it either, although I'm a pretty convincing liar. But I don't do it because I hate remembering what lies I told and who I told. Telling lies is bad enough, but what's worse is when my intelligence insulted with lame-o lies. The act of lying doesn't make you a liar if you're bad at it. It makes you a horrible storyteller with no imagination. Lying doesn't just require thinking outside of the box, it requires creating the box. Stick to the truth, so you only have to color inside the lines.

Bad lies tell me 2 things, while solidifying why we aren't made for each other:

You think I'm simple. Which is evidenced when you make up a cookie-cutter lie that you think will be appetizing to me. Sorry boo... not enough sugar in this batch, keep your day job (you're bad at baking up lies).

You suck at Mad-Libs (no imagination). This means if ever we are caught by the cops and need to come up with something (believable) on-the-fly...we'd be going to jail courtesy of you.

Next time you think about lying...do us all a favor; DON'T.

GREETINGS!

2009-05-31T03:13:00.025-04:00

There are so many times in life when ...you've gotta say something, but you just can't find the words. For those moments when a text just doesn't cut it, send an e-card!!

FIRST DATE:
I know it's our first date but I just wanted to send this e-card so you can make room for my issues.
Response: It's ok, I like the color red, so your flags are ok. I want to see more of it.

SEVERAL DATES LATER:
I casually mention how I'm not dating anyone else, and within minutes of the date ending, I receive...

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING:
The best way to let my shaboobie know I want monogamy is with a "Let's alert our 1000 closest friends on Facebook that we're in a relationship by changing our relationship status" note.

IF IT ISN'T LOVE:
Why do I feel this way? Nothing says loving, like letting my boo-boo know I'm not planning my emergency escape plan....yet.

WE USED TO SAIL TOGETHER:
I feel like we're enemy ships lately...

But all is not lost, our relationship is a rock.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END:
So...I need to see if our relationship needs to disappear for our relationship issues to disappear as well. I'll call you...don't call me.

FOREVER CAME MUCH FASTER THAN ANTICIPATED:
Our space was so addictive, I want more. I've made my decision and here is your notification (my bad about the delivery).

FRIENDS. HOW MANY OF US HAVE THEM?
In the aftermath of my failed relationship...a good friend will send a greeting card to let me know there's another loser out there for me and she believes I'll find said loser.

That's My Song!!!

2009-05-24T20:17:00.008-04:00

On a recent visit out of state, with some of my favorite ladies, we were on a mini-road trip. During our drive, I was getting hip to all the new music as we listened to a bunch of different songs. We are JAMMING...

Shorty been eyein me

She lookin like she thinking about tryin me

She want it she cant take no more

Im about to take her to my spot

Ima get it hot, she gonna turn around and let me

Beep beep beep beep beep

She goin let me Beep beep beep beep beep

I am tear it up when i Beep beep beep beep beep

She goin let me Beep beep beep beep

Ima have her screamin like Go go go go go go

Ima tear it up

What did he just say?
With an abrupt halt (mid-groove, mind you) you actually listen to the song and realize that he's not talking about loving you, he's talking about making you his harlot...

Um.

OK, perhaps not the most romantic song, but I'm not jumping to conclusions about the context of the song. Perhaps he's talking about meeting up with his girlfriend in the club and "picking" her up. So I continue dancing. I'm enjoying the song. I mean groooovin'! Then...he starts getting reckless.

Got a pole in my condo

I can make it rain

Now make you clap for me

You driving me crazy

I know you want me

cuz I want you girl tell me can we get it on tonight

Lights camera action ill play director

Turn you out let me sneak a peak

Turn you out on the late night creep

Aint playin no games tonight

I can't even lie...I kept dancing.

Now, many people would question why you are dancing to this song. The most common response is, "He is not talking about me. I ain't no one's ho." If you say this line while dropping it like it's hot, you are absolutely the ho he's talking about. Next time, shake it faster and at least do the song some justice!

Just a thought...

Goodbyes are Hard...And Here's Why

2009-05-20T15:03:00.014-04:00

It's funny.

When someone is constantly in your in face, there's nothing to say because there is more than enough time to say everything that needs to be said. But the second there is a risk of losing that person, there's not enough time to say or do it all. Why is this?

You never really grew up.
We're all 2 years old somewhere inside. And it's human nature to take things for granted, until they're (at risk of being) taken away. Like in childhood, people are our "toys" and just because you're not playing with that "toy" right now, doesn't mean you won't want to later.

Pretty frickin selfish.

Here's the thing, you put the "toy" down because something seemingly better came along... so you play with that one to see which "toy" you like better. But, you move your feet and lose your seat sometimes. Fair is fair. I know if I walk by and see a perfectly good "toy" available; I'm gonna pick it up. Just because you went off looking for one with more features, doesn't mean this one isn't just as good. So now, there's so much to say and do...because "time is precious" with this person. Is this really the case, or is it because now goodbye is imminent?

When we have to say goodbye, we begin to appreciate what we had even more...that goodbye is like "The Raven" EAP spoke about...driving you crazy with no real solution to your problem.

But it's not the goodbye's fault, though. This is a classic symptom of the 80/20-itis. When you're only getting 80% of what you want from your "toy", that 20% "toy" is mighty tempting. The grass always seems greener. Repeat this to yourself if you're ever tempted: If the grass looks greener on the other side, it's probably AstroTurf. And like the AstroTurf, it's artificial. The grass may not be as green on this side...but it is real.

Sometimes you have to stop being human and thinking so much. Be an animal, go off emotion. If you're feeling it, then show it and don't think about what may (or may not) be better out in the jungle. If you're not, then eff it and move on. But either way, don't try to play with two "toys" and think someone won't wanna use one... Then the only thing to do is hope you get a chance to play with that "toy" again.

Until then...Fare Thee Well

I ♥ Being Black American

2009-05-20T10:51:00.023-04:00

This...JUST...In:

I am a Black American girl. And I love it.

I think the best thing about being black [in my not so humble opinion] is the kinship I feel with all my brown people. I am proud of being Black and an American. It may not be the perfect combination but it's mine, not yours.

The funny thing is recording other Black folks reactions to my contentment with being a "regular 'ole black American girl" (my self-identification when asked). Somehow, people who aren't Black American take pity on my soul.

It's old but I wrote a poem about being Black American. It's similar to Smokey's (yes, I'm on a first name basis with Smokey Robinson) but speaks to my experience.

~~~~~~

Unfortunately Black American?

"What are you?"

He asks as if I am a specimen needing dissection

My response, so clever and clean, is always the same,

"A regular Black girl."

Somehow the calm and ease of my response befuddles him

To the point that his confusion escapes his mouth

And penetrates my ears.

"No I mean where are you from?"

"America."

"Oh. *pause* Are you sure?"

I am sure.

Somewhat disappointed by my sureness

He takes pity on me.

I am clearly the unfortunate descendant of the slave trade

With no real lineage

No real trace

Of who I am and where I come from.

I...am...Unfortunately Black American.

He looks for my unease.
The insecurity that I am saddened by my unfortunate plight.

But, alas, I am not.
Because my identity is neither saddening, nor unfortunate.
Being Black and being American isn't perfect
But with all of it's imperfections, I'll take it any day.

Taken from our homes
Stripped of our culture
Robbed of our faith
Battered and bruised.

We created our own culture in a foreign land
Found faith through our strength
And hit the ground running.
If we couldn't run, we walked.
If we couldn't walk, we crawled.
But above all else, we have kept moving.

Kujichagulia isn't how we started on this journey
But it is how we've sustained and maintained through the voyage.
I am proud to be a product of this legacy
There is nothing unfortunate about it.

So Yes, I am Black American
But the unfortunate part is a matter of your opinion.

Short Take: A Haiku

2009-05-17T15:09:00.006-04:00

I do poetry as well...

Introducing My Haiku:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My essence you found
Grabbing my soul with no hands
Can I touch yours too?

FUNdamental Reading

2009-05-17T10:18:00.011-04:00

I'm not sure if you know this, but I am a web junkie-lite.

A few sites that I frequent are my gossip sites: MEDIATAKEOUT and BOSSIP. These sites satisfy my pleasure of reading about famous people and laughing at their messed up lives (even if some of it isn't true).

Things like this remind me why I don't like the limelight (as I write my blog hoping you'll read it...oh please pay attention to me!!!)

I like my privacy, but can you imagine someone trying to break into your house just to see if you use 1 or 2-ply?

HOWEVER, a few other sites have struck my fancy lately. These are regular people who post their stories about the messed up stuff that's happened in their lives or crazy text messages that they send (and receive).

***Some of the postings can be a bit crass*** Overall most are quite funny...perhaps if you're having a bad day you can do a comparison.

FML (my top site):
"Today I saw an elderly man fall in the crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across the street the light turned green. At that point, I noticed my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the middle of the street, and was run over by several cars. I then watched across the 6-lane street as someone stole my bike. FML"

"Today I graduated from college and my parents gave me an apple, not the computer, the fruit. FML"

"Today on of my 3 year old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze and sniffles. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When you die can we get a cat?" FML"

A few more sites are:
TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT
JINXED
NOT ALWAYS RIGHT

Happy reading! Enjoy!

(Photo credit: www.oddee.com)

Riddle Me This

2009-05-14T16:08:00.015-04:00

We used to date.
But not anymore.
We are friends.
But it doesn't stop there.
What are we?

Taking from the previous post, I decided to write about relationships that are on the verge of, but don't quite, break up. Not everyone can be friends post break-up. BUT...what happens in those (not so) rare instances where you break-up, stay friends, but don't quite "break-up"?

Here's the time line:
You date. --->You like/love each other. --->You break-up. ---->You loathe each other (optional). ---->You start hooking up again. ---->You (singular or plural) are dating other people seriously. ---->You're confused.

This is an extreme conflict of interest. Situations such as this, are quite unstable. If you dated and broke up, but still maintain a friendship- kudos to you.

But for all others----> WARNING: Don't lose your buddy to the booty!!!

Friendship is normally viable option. Booty calls, however, are a subcategory. There's a saying, "Once you give someone your energy, s/he always has it." With this being said, it's understandable to have booty calls with someone you know and trust. I'm not saying it's not possible to have it all, and come out unscathed. However this is a tightrope walk, one wrong step will have you falling (P.S. there is no net).

So, what do you do?
First: if the dating has ended...so must the booty. She who giveth must taketh away. Second: Don't jump into the friendship right away, give it some time and then revisit in a few months when you're out of relationship mode. Third: You know each other pretty darn well, so don't go out drinking if getting frisky is the result. The last thing you need is a drunken hook-up to complicate things. And lastly: maintain a healthy distance (if you can touch, you're too close). Pheromones are powerful; all you need is one whiff, then wham!

Dumped!

2009-05-13T23:48:00.017-04:00

Breaking up is hard to do and this question haunts people post-relationship/fling/or whatever, but why?

Is it really humanity's tragic flaw to assume a person ended a relationship because of something you did?

I'm the exception because I'm perfect and nothing is ever my fault, even if I directly cause something to happen.
(I'm joking!!! If I'm perfect I can't cause anything bad to happen, ever).

To answer my own question, no it's not a tragic flaw.

The Dumpee asks these rhetorical questions because s/he feels responsible for a break-up, especially since this was a kick to the knees, courtesy of the Dumper. To put it simply, the Dumper has had time to get used to the idea of not having the Dumpee around, and has possibly found a pinch hitter or replacement. Either way, you're not getting news; you're getting (and being made) history. When the Dumpee is finally clued in, the instinctual reaction is to assume it's out of the blue. But alas, it is a decision the Dumper made at least a week (maybe even weeks) ago, but only recently has become comfortable with.

I thought I had satisfied my curiosity, until I realized this was just the beginning... the Dumpee wonders why the Dumper chose this new person for a number of reasons:

You're the Dumpee
You haven't gotten "comfortable" with not being a couple, unlike the Dumper who had a head start long before you did.
The new person is in "your" place.
You haven't gotten over the Dumper (yea it sucks, but such is life).

Alright I get that, but then I ask myself, "Self, are there any other underlying reasons the Dumpee wonders why the Dumper chose the new person"?

Nothing...

...until EUREKA!

CLOSURE

(duh!)

Don't get me wrong, the question will still appear. However, my theory holds that it might not linger as long if the parting is amicable or if there is some closure (or you both walk away content with hating each other).

**Note: This does not take into account relationships where you break up, but don't really "break-up" because those are just complicated since emotions are still present.**

Anyhow, closure is of the UTMOST importance (and it is the duty of the Dumper to ensure it is given to the Dumpee, it's the least you can do after stomping on his/her world with your biker boots). Nothing is worse than the feeling of unfinished business. It's like dispute resolution and therapy for a dissolved partnership, all wrapped into one hellbent session.

You JUST Had 2B There

2009-05-11T23:24:00.011-04:00

Most of my friends know and read my blog. They are well aware that life is now my punchline for your entertainment... I have sneaking suspicion they are purposely trying to get onto my blog (because it's exclusively for the funny cool kids). But they do say some crazy stuff so, here are some moments you should've been around for:

Me: I was probably a criminal in my last life ::said after I explained a genius murder plot::
L: Well at least your a friendly criminal
I'll spot you a lapdance.
Skunk butt might actually taste good.
Mr. Magoo: What would you do if there was no porn on the internet?
Diddy: Stop paying for it. What do people go online for?
Mr. Magoo: To look at Wikipedia
Hill: Yea to verify the porn sites.
I've been pimpin' since the womb. I was telling other sperm, "Go get my cash man!"
All I know is I woke up with her hands in my pants, told her thank you but I have to go to church.
Hill: You're Captain Kirk because if we all went on a spaceship, you'd be the only one to mess with a green chick-
L: -and make her queef!
It's like I have telekinesis when I drive drunk, I just move the cars out of my way.
Wait you lost 20 pounds!?! How does skeletor lose weight?
Debbie: I'm sorry I didn't hear you
Me: Maryland
Debbie: Oh like the city!
When people say I drive crazy, I have to remind them that I learned how to drive from a bunch of Haitian men. They don't have roads in Haiti; given the circumstances, I think I drive pretty damn well.
Someone has to put a smile on your face...and I'm just the man to do it.
TN: Oh Crypt Keeper is really sick...she better not have that swine flu.
Yee: Yea, if we're lucky she'll die...Ooops did I say that out loud?
Tiberius: You're a jerk
Me: Yea, well I'm the best jerk you know.

Ring, Ring: No, Not Jared's - I mean the BOOTY CALL

2009-05-08T10:58:00.022-04:00

I don't see nothing is wrong with alittle friends with benefits (FWB) bump n grind, if that's how you roll. Booty calls are great, as long as all goes according to plan and neither party violates the terms of the agreement. It can make for a very full social calendar...that is until your calendar becomes too full and your FWB is taking up just as much time as your friends do (or did).

It never fails.

BC's start off fine and dandy, until one person calls out of the designated hours... Calling "just to cuddle", or "hang out" is unsanctioned BC activity. Seriously, would you want your mechanic to call just to check on you? Probably not. If it's not about your car, then you don't have anything to discuss, unless you're dating your mechanic and then that's another story. But that can get complicated too if all you want is an oil change and he wants a girlfriend, but I digress...

These are clear violations of the terms of agreement. BC's only work with someone whom you have no serious future. A person with whom you could never see yourself in a relationship outside of late night hours and you don't even like speaking words more than, "I'm outside" or "Come up". It's made pretty clear that neither of you want anything serious, just an FWB to do how you do with no strings attached (NSA). :::I sound like a damn personal ad with all the acronyms::: But somewhere along the line, one person always confuses things and adds grey to the scenario.

I love grey, but not in my personal life. On Facebook when people say they're in an "Open Relationship" or "It's Complicated" this translates to, "We're in a grey area". To expand on my assertion, this is when you're kinda with someone whom you like, but either you can't work as a couple, don't want to work as a couple, or one person is already in a couple and you're the piece on the side. In all cases you're still getting down with each other on a regular enough basis to warrant you trying to define it. If you think you have a foreseeable future with someone (i.e. you doodle or daydream about him/her) then don't do the BC!!! It's an extreme conflict of interest, so you've been warned!

I'll keep it 100 with you (if no one else will) and let you know that people only change their minds about commitment for the right reason or person. If you're the booty call, you ain't it. Trust that while you're daydreaming about your FWB...your FWB is daydreaming about someone else. Very rarely do BC's turn into long-term relationships that don't involve the words, "Oops, I'm pregnant". Whatever the case, don't get your feelings hurt boo.

My advice: if you think you may really like someone, and a BC is what they seek, don't John Hancock any agreement outside of dating. Maybe you think you can handle a FWB or NSA, but it's never wise to get into something like this with a person you actually like to hear speaking, that's all I'm saying.

You JUST Had 2B There

2009-05-06T09:40:00.005-04:00

So I took an ice cream scoop of pot, put it in a hookah and lit it on fire with a blow torch.
Me: She shouldn't have worn that shirt with her big pouch (stomach). I mean...
He and I (simultaneously): Hand bag? Duffle bag?

He referred to my girl parts as kryptonite...kryptonite kills.

Girl 1: He asked me for my email but I said no.
Girl 2: Well at least you know he's literate.

I don't see color, so I don't know who I'm racist against.

Yee: My nipple itches
Me: You need someone to lick it.

No white cumdiments. Wait don't put that!

BDSM, just because you're not into it respect the people who are.

Its like someone blowing softly in my ear, but in my eye instead.

He really needs to put his hat back on because his face and hair are working against each other.

I get offended when other people grab their crotches in front of me.

He's all buff, I wonder if he's been to jail. That's probably how he got buff, fighting people off that singing booty.

Me: This is a family show right?
Him: Yea
Me: Well the family just got turned out.

I'm tryna stop swearing because you know I say some stuff. I cuss people out in church, I don't care. But I had to wonder how I could praise God with this mouth.

I was kinda disappointed I wouldn't name the tree. I would've loved to have a little forest of Chadlings. Then everyone would know i"m an enchanted forest.

Me: That's a moment where...if Iwasn't me I would want to be because I impress my damn self.
Him: lol Alil high on ourselves today, are we??
Me: I don't smoke but if i were a drug...I'd be coke. Only the best.
Him: Lmao!! Well excuse me Lady Heroin

I actually don't get warm or tingly inside when I think of ice cream, I get cold and harsh.

Yeah, so, I fell asleep for a little while, and when I woke up, he was just sitting there, watching tv and bagging his weed...

I'm not a role model. Don't do drugs, give em to me!

Reunited!

2009-04-08T17:30:00.007-04:00

And it feels so good!

I've been M.I.A. for a bit and I realize you (my dedicated reader) are probably quite peeved with me. Well here we are...on speaking terms again and boy do I have some updates for you:

About a month after my trusty friend got her 1st tattoo...I got my 5th. Knowing you have a problem is the first step (Yes, I have a problem) but try to stop me!

I've decided I'm over being nice. Being nice has forced me to exert enough electrical energy to heat a small cup of tea, I can't give it away freely anymore (we're in a recession).

I'm going abroad in a few months! Yes...I'll be taking the circus on the road, giving you all an opportunity to hear about absurdity internationally! (I might even be so inclined to write something in the "mystery" language)

Although I can barely handle updating one page...the "Had To Be There" moments are becoming so frequent that they warrant a separate page (starting May 1st). Don't worry, I'll have a link here so you can read the nonsense that I hear!

Since I need to be more dedicated to this blog...I've decided to quit both my job and school. I feel you all deserve me in a full-time capacity and with those distractions I can't fully commit to our relationship. Needless to say, this will now be a pay per click site.

I've missed you all! It's too bad we can't like hug right now because I'm a fan of hugs (if you don't believe me check Facebook) LOL

So I Like To Shoot Stuff

2009-04-07T14:30:00.010-04:00

This past weekend I shot a gun for the first time. I think it's safe to assume that the average person doesn't touch a gun, much less shoot one in the a lifetime, which is unfortunate for them.
Shooting makes that stress ball seem like your squeezing a piece of sand. I thoroughly enjoyed it and needless to say it was quite cathartic.

No matter how much fun it seems to be, guns do kill people. I didn't want a reporter on Fox 25 telling the story about a young girl stuck down in her prime because she accidentally shot herself at a gun range, so I did follow the rules. I'm not too prideful to admit that I was nervous at first. I was so scared to close the chamber, I kept making my friend do it...sounds very out of character for me, huh?

The range was safe, well as safe as a range shooting semi-automatic weapons can be. One thing I can say is they have one heck of liability waiver. It absolved the range from any responsibility of wrongful death. This meant that something completely unrelated to firearms could happen, like a piece of the ceiling could fall on me, and they wouldn't be responsible.

One thing I can say is my aim is pretty impeccable. I'm not trying to be boastful (this statement is a lie) but I used 100 rounds with 75 of them landing on my target sheet. Of the ones that landed on the target sheet, my actual rate of hitting the target was around 77%. I had a few that almost landed on center (not bad for a first time shooter).

Shooting this weekend made me realize a few things:

I have an addictive personality.
I am chemically dependent to adrenaline. Trying anything that gives me a rush is usually a good way to get me coming back for more hits.
Don't worry about me buying one anytime soon, I probably won't until I have something to protect besides my Coach bags.

But anyone who wants to make it a field trip, just say the word.

WHY don't you give me some r-e-s-p-e-c-t??

2009-04-06T21:29:00.020-04:00

The most I’ve learned about boys and relationships is that they are complex subjects, like discrete math. Just when I think I really understand them, I had one variable mixed up and well…the whole equation is screwed. I guess it makes sense that I don’t get the WHY Chromosome… because I suck at math.

My blood and personality types are an exact match...Type AB. I’m pretty easy going for the most part, but extremely time-conscious and absolutely hate to feel like my time is being wasted. I appreciate people who respect me, but I love people who respect my time, as well.

For example, I’m hanging out at the bar with my girl. I had class immediately after work, so I needed a minute to myself. As I’m sitting at the table, enjoying my own company mind you, when in walks a group of men, none of whom catch my eye, except one who was licking his lips and eyeing me like I was rib-eye steak. It took all of 2 minutes before he plopped down in front of me and asks, “Why are you sitting alone?” I told him because I wanted some alone time. He tried engaging me in useless conversation. I humored him for a bit, eventually telling him I had a boyfriend to give a reason for not giving him my cell phone number. He persisted, so I asked would he accept his girlfriend doing something like this. I guess I was naïve in thinking this would deter him because he simply informed me that I wasn’t the “baddest bitch in the spot”, and then continued to beg for my number. This was his backwards way of putting things into perspective for me, so I realize that he was as good a catch as I can get.

Something I wondered is where in his mind did that statement make sense to say…out loud? Why wasn’t he begging for her number? Why did he think saying something like this will make me swoon? Why did he think it was acceptable to disrespect me and still think he deserved my time?

Another interaction (devoid of respect) came up during a recent conversation with my friend. A guy she was seeing broke things off a few months earlier and since then they have had minimal contact. She recently learned that how trifiling he is because he was cheating on another girl by dating her. Anyhow, not only did he waste her time and disrespect her, but he then acted as if she was crazy for thinking their relationship was a waste.

Anyhow, she took a trip out of town for a few days and while out for drinks, she receives a most disturbing text message from the old flame asking if he could stop by her house. Besides the fact that he is unaware she is out of town, why is he asking to “stop by” at 3:00am?

Before telling him she wasn’t home, she asked why he wanted to come over. According to him, he just wanted to talk. Hmm. I’m sure we all know that many things take place during the late night hours, but talking ain’t one of ‘em. No one calls you at 3am, especially after not speaking for weeks, to talk about the issues in your relationship unless he’s creeping on someone else, or he tryna creep with you. He basically reduced her to his jump-off with such a question and showed what little respect he had for her.

Perhaps she might’ve had things twisted, it does happen occasionally. Trust me when I say, I’m the first person to proclaim there are signs of the storm before it comes. People don’t randomly do big things without having gotten away with smaller things first. However, I also know that men are better actors than they let on and normally put in enough work to make us feel a particular way, so they can keep us right where they want. Women play similar games, but we normally do it working towards an objective that goes past that moment.

The moral of my narratives: Dealing with the WHY Chromosome is like entering the Twilight Zone; they can be very complex, sometimes confusing, and absolutely exhausting. This series is designed to ask the important WHY questions. Men say women are hard to understand, but I think it is most fitting that they are the ones who carry this chromosome because it foreshadows the imminent question that lingers after every encounter…WHY?

FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE -----> PART 2:
Another question that plagues women regarding the WHY Chromosome is why honesty seems to be in short supply? It seems that being honest should come naturally, lions don't lie about being carnivores, so why lie about your relational status? The world may never know...unless you read the second part of this entry: Honesty...and WHY it's necessary

Funny or Die!

2009-04-03T22:41:00.007-04:00

I work in a position that forces me to speak with people endlessly, most of whom are college students. I would probably hate my job if it weren't for the comic relief I get listening to them.

To stay true to form, I over think everything in life, generally anything involved with language or words. One thing that interests me is phrases or figures of speech. The students use them without thought so often , I like to trip them up by doing silly things to keep myself entertained, read on.

Person: Yea it's great, the best thing since sliced bread.

Me: I don't eat sliced bread.

Person: Can I ask you a question?

Me: You just did.

Person: She's going to hell in a hand-basket

Me: Does that mean you're carrying her there?

Person: Like y'know?

Me: Um actually no, I don't.

Person: I was like...then she was like...so he was like

Me: So what did you say after that?

*I'm guilty of this sometimes as well but I make a conscious effort to avoid misusing "like" this way.

Person: Can you do me a favor... Can you--

Me: No. Glad we cleared that up.

Just a few laughs to keep me going, especially at my ~~asylum~~ ah...job.

Talk About Abusive..

2009-04-01T23:13:00.025-04:00

Last week, I felt like I was being hazed... by life. Seriously, I was moving so fast that by the time I was able to speak with anyone, our conversation was already history because I was gone so quickly. My mind was plagued with so many thoughts all week, which is upsetting because I've reserved my thinking to weekends since they're short and don't require a full-time commitment. These thoughts brought me to a crossroads where I had to ask myself a few questions (not because I'm crazy, but I'm normally alone at my crossroads as implied by the metaphor).

I Refuse To Go Postal
My first question was about jail, is it really so bad? I am not thin-skinned, in the least. I worked within a very antagonistic print company for 5 months where there were physical altercations in the middle of the office. Needless to say, I can handle a few jerks. However, I think I have a new appreciation for my old jerks. I thought I knew workplace conflict, but my new jerks have :::dare I say it::: left me surprised at their jerkishness.

Last week my co-worker went on vacation, leaving me to man the fort...which is a metaphor for our battleground office but also because my desk resembles a fort that I peek over when the office door opens in an attempt to avoid the bombers... Not only did things get worse after she left, but it hit the fan and smelled really bad. This is when I had to make a decision; possibly face 8 counts of homicide or find a constructive outlet for my aggression. My answer: a Learn to Shoot lesson is scheduled. I always knew about it, but never valued the 2nd amendment as much as I do now.

B(S)-School
My next question was about school, is it really for me? School only prepares you for a job you don't have and aren't even sure you will get. I make pennies at my current job, so I guess the only way to go really is up. However when the economy crumbles while you are earning a degree that is DEPENDENT on the free market, it makes the future look...wait what future? Now it makes sense why school sucks, by the time we finally finish we are experts in dealing with life's suckiness. With this being said, I am sure you can imagine how I felt going into an exam for class that confuses me to the point of head trauma. I know winning the race is great, but sometimes quitting before you pull a muscle is smart, and my brain is a muscle that this class is abusing. My answer: take the exam, enjoy the weekend, and hope my empty formulas will give me partial credit allowing me high failure.

Unnecessary Difficulty
My final question was about my personal relationships, why are things so complicated? I am happily single, primarily on my own terms. However, why is it that when you like someone, the situation is so complicated that it really is rocket science? I get dizzy just thinking about it. I guess the first thing is to stop liking people who puzzle you to the point of complication. Things are not as clear cut as they may seem. My answer: ______ is as empty as my mind when the end of that week came.

What's In A Name?

2009-03-21T00:19:00.010-04:00

Interesting story:
Le - a------->This is a child's name. It's pronounced 'Ledasha'.

Oh yes...you read it right. When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, 'The dash ain't silent.'

This is the abbreviated version of an email sent to me. Wowzers!

During a shopping trip, I had a conversation with my mom about naming your kids. In case you don't know, my mom let my sister name me. My sister gave me a great name, but my mom kinda hated on me and spelled my middle name wrong. It was during this conversation that I learned why, read the dialogue below.

Me: So...you know I was talking to my sister and she brought up how you spelled my middle name wrong.
Mom: I did? I thought it was spelled like that.
Me: No that's the masculine version of the name, if that was the case you should have just named me Ryan like you wanted.
Mom: Well it's not that I don't like the name, it's just so plain, I just didn't care for it.
Me: What Ryan?
Mom: No your first name.

There's nothing like being 24 years old and finding out your mom never really liked your name.

But what's worse is having a symbol included in the pronunciation of your name. I know temptation is hard to resist, but if it seems like a cute name make sure it meets a few criteria:

Symbols are not letters. Their names are made up of letters, but they don't take the place of them. If you want to name a kid Ledasha, the dash does not suffice as a substitute of the actual word.
Silent letters are normally there to HELP with pronunciation... Therefore the H, after the A in most names doesn't add more, it's just a waste of space.
Don't make up something and then try to pass it off as "ethnic", names like LaCienega don't fool anyone.
Ask yourself, "Self, would I want to write that name on ALL of my college and work applications in 18 years?" Do unto others...
Sometimes taking a perfectly good name and trying to make it unique, actually makes it pretty horrible to look at when all the I's become Y's.
Less is more, middle names were made up at some point to add in the runner up name, but don't go overboard by adding honorable mention names too.
Even if the name has been passed down in a family, sometimes the legacy needs to be broken.

Just keep these few things in mind and you should find a nice name for your kids. Also, don't allow them to be named and then 24yrs later tell them you never actually liked their names. It makes for a good blog, but gosh that's harsh. Thanks Ma!

Amendment

2009-03-20T23:56:00.008-04:00

I was informed by a main character of one drunken story that I missed important parts, and if am going to tell his story, I had to get it right.

To refresh you memory, STORY #5 is the one I am referencing.

Apparently, a major part of the story I forgot to mention is that not only were these fellas drinking cheap, cheap liquor but it was STOLEN cheap liquor. Prior to my arrival, they broke into a neighbors house and pilfered their liquor cabinet (have no fear, while stealing is wrong...you'll be happy to know they stole from fellow college students and not some defenseless family of 4).

>>Fast forward>> My friend passed out on the bed and woke up the next morning in his boxers...

Did she just do that...?

2009-03-17T19:31:00.014-04:00

Yes..she just did.

Sitting as a stop light today, I was watching this man pick his nose. We all get boogies, but most of us wait until we have a private moment at home to take care of it. This got me to thinking about the things that people do when they think no one is looking.

I probably do the oddest things when I think all eyes aren't on me.

I know that when I have a wedgie, I definitely pick it differently depending on my surroundings. Like if I know that no one is around, then I will make sure I extract the material in a way so that it doesn't happen again. However, if someone else is around I normally can't quite get to it in a way that will avoid it happening again in the nearest of futures, but reputation overrides comfort at times like that...

Just thought I'd share.

Photo credit: teamsugar.com

Tales from the Bottom of the Bottle

2009-03-15T22:54:00.012-04:00

After a weekend filled with drunken debauchery, I started thinking about funny stories when liquor is involved. For your reading pleasure, Tales from the Bottom of the Bottle.

Story 1: Of Mice and (Wo)Men
Out for drinks and dancing one evening, my friend and were in Fanueil Hall and started WALKING back to our house in Roxbury, when she had to use the bathroom. By this time we were on Boylston St. at 3am, so needless to say, finding a public restroom was going to be difficult. We see a dumpster and she runs to hide behind it and handle her business. I was the look-out because we were really trying to avoid incurring charges such as; Public Intoxication, Public Urination, Indecent Exposure, etc.. I glance over to check on her and see rats behind her so I started yelling to get her attention. She finishes and runs back over to me asking why I was acting crazy. I asked her did she see the rats near her feet, to this day she still thinks I was lying about them being so close. I guess she'll never know.

Story 2: I'm A Big Boy Now
A good friend of mine had a birthday. As with any group of lushes, if there's an occasion to toast, we will. So everyone went out for the celebration and, of course, made sure the birthday boy had a sufficient amount to drink. The night had to end, as it usually does, and he crashed at a friends' house. He fell asleep on the couch and woke up in our friends' step-son's race car bed. It's official, he's a big boy now.

Story 3: Broken Promises
In undergrad, a good friend came to visit me for a weekend. Now I went to a D1 school, so we constantly had great parties with all the student athletes. Our school being in the woods, we drove a nearby apartment complex for a house party. My roommate and friend decided to grab a some Jungle Juice, while I hung back as the Sober Sister. (We were underage anyways, so someone had to be responsible.)
I walked around a bit and lost track of my friends, but caught up with them about 45min later. By this time, my roommate was tipsy, and my friend was drunk and rubbing all over a basketball player. This sounds normal until you find out she's 4'11" and he was 6'6". Apparently while mom was away the kids decided to play. In case you don't know about Jungle Juice, whilst it tastes quite fruity it is stronger than a Long Island Iced Tea...my friend had 3 keg cups full. She was quite drunk by the time we got onto campus and kept saying she's never drinking again. We went out for drinks 2 weeks ago...talk about a broken promise.

Story 4: Picture Perfect
A few of my friends went out for a night of drunken debauchery. They finished and one friend decided to crash at the others house. They were chatting at the kitchen table when one stops mid-sentence and puts his head down. Yessir, he definitely fell asleep mid-conversation. As with any good friend, my boy decides to take pictures and save them. Two months later as they are out for more drinking fun, my boy tells the other about the pictures and shows him. I don't know what's worse, pictures that come back to haunt you or not knowing they were ever taken.

Story 5: Hey Big Spender
One thing that makes a bond strong is when you nurse a drunken friend back to normalcy. At my Alma mater, Spring Weekend is the biggest party weekend of the year. My good friend invited me to one. When I showed up he was going shot-for-shot with his friend. Now this was expected, except they were doing this with cheap, cheap liquor. Being a good friend I informed them that this liquor was going to make them sick, so they might want to quit the shots. They didn't heed my warning and my friend got drunk. It was pretty funny until he got really sick and needed to be laid down.
My party buddy and I carried him upstairs. We were just about to lay him on his friends bed when he just threw himself face down on it.
Probably not the best idea.
He laid there for all of 20 seconds, leaned over the side and threw up on the carpet, at least he knew not to go on the bed. I don't know who cleaned things up, but I do know that since then, he gets nothing less than Bacardi.

I'm sure there are more stories in my memory bank...when I sort them out I will SURELY report.

Who Got Jokes??

2009-03-12T23:34:00.003-04:00

Last night I decided to hang out with my girl and take in some jokes at Slade’s for the Black Comedy Explosion.

Now, if you don’t know…Slade’s is the black version of Cheers, a place where everybody knows your name. But in my case, it’s a place where everybody knows my parent’s names because it’s definitely filled the 40+ crowd and Boston is so dang small I probably used to play with some of their kids. You know a place is the spot when people who work directly with the governor are laying back having beers with us commoners. But no matter how old the crowd, jokes are jokes so I set forth on this adventure.

It definitely takes guts to stand up in a room full of people and speak, but doing that in a room full of inebriated people and trying to make them laugh must be harder. My first tip is perhaps…and this is just at thought… you don’t do this equally as inebriated. Just a suggestion.

The host of the show…he’s hilarious. Now this is a big change from hearing him on the radio because he was rated PG then. But last night boy, oh boy…NSFC! He’s a cool dude, but he runs his shows like boot camp, I swear I thought he was going to have someone put in the brig for booing.

I’m no comedy expert, but I do know what's funny and the first rule in telling jokes is keep it simple and get to the point. No one likes a long winded joke. But what’s worse than a longwinded joke is one that has no punch line. I mean this dude said things like.. “So I lost my job but thanks for supporting me y’all.”

Um. Yea. No.

That’s about the only thing I can remember because I just checked my Facebook page the rest of the time. Then this lady gets up there and told some jokes in between her drink sips. She was relatively funny…the best was about her ex husband: “My ex husband was so tall and it worked out great because he could help me reach everything…except a climax” .

The last comic was a riot…he really put things into perspective:
He wants a woman with a flaw so when she says he has a big belly; he can say so do you.
Clinton wasn’t the biggest pimp, JFK was because he not only had his side chick sing to him on his birthday in front of his wife on national TV…that’s a pimp.
He told us all the wrap it up because forget about HIV…K-I-D is killing people everyday.

You've Been Disclaimed

2009-03-04T23:39:00.017-05:00

Lately I’ve been having a ton of discussions about the start of relationships. It’s always interesting when you begin learning about someone and in the first few discussions, the topic of expectations pops up. It's kinda like that speed bump you thought you could avoid alittle bit longer since you're in the “hanging out” phase and it’s not serious yet. But he's monopolizing all your time, so you need clarity on what to expect,
and then he sucker punches you in the gut with...

A disclaimer.

I’ve recently coined the phrase "disclaimer” statements.

To elaborate, this is when a guy disclaims you by saying he's not trying to get too serious, before you even get to point of wanting him to claim you. Using statements such as, “I’m not sure what I want” or “I’m just having fun right now”. This is his subtle way to let you know, we can hang out and stuff but you’ve been warned and I’m not liable.

Here’s the thing, the disclaimer isn’t really meant to deter you, but it’s just his way of not being responsible if you breach the contract by catching feelings and get hurt. He is saying, “I’m prime real estate. You can’t rent to own, but you can lease month-to-month and the option might come up.” From my point of view, if you keep it funky with me and let me know something like this from the beginning it’s not a problem. I’ll let you do your thing and see how the works with my agenda, but I too will continue taking offers because the contract goes both ways.

I bring this up because we all get disclaimed, but I wanted to beg the question: What happens when the disclaimer wants to get more serious with the disclaimee after disclaiming this person? (talk about a tongue twister...)

Let me get this straight: You all but told this person, "I like you but not enough to get serious because I'm doing me" and had a change of heart. See the issue with disclaiming someone is if you catch feelings later on… it’s kinda hard to backtrack and ~~indian give~~ renege on your disclaimer statement now. And you risk being disclaimed by the person because a better prospect is around and you might get dropped at a moment’s notice.

Not sure if this is karma or just the crap shoot of relationships. Anyways...here's another thing that makes you go hmmm.

DId you ever wonder...?

2009-03-04T11:13:00.018-05:00

At this point in our non-relationship, I am sure you can see I'm imaginative. Sometimes, I think my imagination needs a Prozac (shameless plug) so it can have a break.

In recent conversation, the topic of being something else for a day came up. Don't get this confused with the "24 Hours to Live" thing. Not that I don't like being me...I mean I think I'm the cats meow...BUT when I was kid I used to wonder what it was like to be other things (for experiential purposes). Here are my Top 5:

What: A Boy
Why: They can stand in the bathroom (if you get my drift). I'm a convenience kinda girl. I like to work smart, so the thought that using the restroom could be less involved appealed to me...even at 7 yrs old.
What: A Tree
Why: Trees are so cool because they can live long, but I really just wanted to see if they get cold since they're naked in the winter.
What: A Chair
Why: I had a typical kid imagination and would personify inanimate objects. I always wondered if chairs get tired of holding our heavy butts, and if this is reason why they give out and drop people?
What: A Baby
Why: I'm sure you just said, "You already were one", BUT I didn't know this. I would like to be a baby with awareness, so I can enjoy it. It would be nice to know why someone is wiping my butt and be able to later say how much I appreciated it.
What: A T-Rex
Why: Because I think it foreshadows the kind of businesswoman I plan to be. Huge ego and salary, always willing to step on the little guy and devour the competition at any cost. (joking, I'm going to be more like a cheetah...you'll never see me coming)

There are more things that I wouldn't mind being for a day, but at the end of every one I'm always glad to be me. :::clicking heels saying, "There's no place like home":::

I'm sure this has changed your opinion of me, but so what? I'm also sure that after reading this blog, you'll be daydreaming about being a dung beetle for a day.

I Guess You Don't Agree

2009-02-28T11:22:00.010-05:00

I respect your opinion just keep it to yourself. Anytime you enter this blog, you're in my world and commenting on the content in MY BLOG means everything I say must be agreed upon. LOL

I am open to finding common ground, but most of that ground has to be mine. Yes I'm pretty selfish, but mask it with enthusiasm... you'd be surprised how much that distracts people from the "real you". (LOL I even had to laugh at that one)

With that being said...

My rules primarily apply to cliffhangerers (courtesy of G.O., a cliffehangerer) who consistently leave suspenseful messages about nothing. Don't get me wrong, I love you all and appreciate you taking the time call me...it's nice to know you care. I wrote my post in haste as I listened to my 11 vmails that accumulated in a matter of 2 days. I’m sure you could say I need to answer my phone, but you can just shut it.

My post was directed at those people (and you know who you are) who contributed to my 11 vmails. Thanks a bunch...I didn't listen to any of them.

I'm sure you also wonder, "What if it's an emergency?". Here's the thing (thanks Yee Yee...I definitely got this from you), there are people who get paid to attend to your emergencies, in most societies we call them Policia. I understand I may seem all knowing, but my intelligence has it's limits (and so does my workday). Consider calling the police like hiring an outside firm to handle a sensitive matter; while you can get a hook up, it’s just better to get the professionals.

More fun ahead… I have been marinating on a few topics and think you all will be pleased as punch (one of those blogs being "Phrases That Ask for a Head Bunt").

I Don't Listen 2 Voicemails...

2009-02-26T21:25:00.013-05:00

You call me and I can't answer the phone for some unknown reason. "You have reached 617-687-5309 please leave a message at the tone." :::BEEEEEEEP:::

Being a good friend, you leave me a vmail with your reason for phoning in and instructions for me return your call so we can discuss your 30 second summary, in detail. I'll be frank with you, I almost never play vmail, and normally if I do it's because I was asked to.

Unless I need to prove that I called someone and couldn't possibly have held up the convenience store in question, I normally don't leave vmail and would appreciate everyone scaling back on leaving them for me too. Have you ever gotten a message where the caller begins to tell a very involved story, stops suddenly and says the phrase... "Well call me back and I'll finish". This is a cliffhanger...what's gonna happen next?? Um... Here's the thing, there are rules for everything and this is no exception. Don't start a story in a voice message. In our day, most cell phones hold at least the last 10 calls, therefore I will see the missed call...trust me. You don't have to bait me into returning your call by leaving a suspenseful message. Therefore, I've decided that everyone will have 2 options:

call and don't leave message, which will force me to call you back and I get the entire story in one sitting
leave a message and cram all the information into your 45 second allotment so I don't have to call you back

Life is so hectic and doesn't allow me to give people anymore than one phone call per day, sadly we have to ration our phone interactions.
Here are the rules: Please be advised that if you call, hanging up before the beep is essential. Blackberries are great phones because my voice mail alert shows the caller. So...even if the message was a mistake (and I can hear you cursing), it will count as our interaction for the day and you will have used your ration.

Additionally, if we speak on the phone then you should try to make it as meaningful as possible, i.e. there should not be a follow up call citing something you missed mentioning. Which would you tell me about first, the new puppy you got or your toe being amputated? If something like this happens, it wasn't that important or you would have told me before your story, so you can sit on it until next time. I want to thank all of you who read and abide by these new rules.

Please note: there will be double rations on holidays and during school breaks, night and weekend privileges, and mobile to mobile exceptions, BUT all exceptions need to be cleared prior to exercising them.

Leave a message at the tone.

What Does Her Tattoo Mean?

2009-02-22T21:13:00.011-05:00

Big weekend... so much to dish.

I finally joined the Apple ~~cult~~ club in purchasing a MacBook. So far I love it (and shamelessly plug Apple as much as possible... Apple), but it may crash tomorrow and make me hate it. Therefore I'm trying not to put all my Apple's in one basket, just in case the tree falls (Don't you love my eternal optimism?).

Anyhow, I'm getting off topic. More about my weekend. Well, Saturday night, I took my dear friend to get her first tattoo. Outside of learning my zodiac sign and favorite ice cream flavor, anyone who speaks to me for at least an hour will quickly learn that I love tattoos... 4 of which call my body home. Needless to say, I am always eager to encourage my fellow human to have this same pain inflicted on him or herself.

Our trip to the parlor has been long awaited. Every year (around her birthday) we say she should get one and never make the trip. Well this year, we set a deadline and actually met it, but I'm sure that she is wishing she had thought a bit longer about it.

As we were sitting in the waiting room I was itching like I needed a hit, it was pretty disturbing. Honestly, why would the sound of multiple needles moving in and out of your skin 50-100 times per second make anyone antsy in a good way? Clearly I'm not normal and should seek help, immediately.

Story correction: Based on the picture above, one would assume I was the chicken when in fact I was not... she was. AND, she's actually quite petite, so she's more like a baby cow and not an adult cow. Additionally, her artist (Josh) was not a pig and didn't have on a leather vest, although we listened to heavy metal music the whole time.

I continue... Seeing she is obviously in pain, and attempting to be a good friend in an effort to make up for all the crappy years, I offer my hand to hold. This ungrateful chick callously rejected my gesture saying, "No! I don't want your bony girl hand." I nearly fell over, how dare she discriminate against me! But alas, karma had a plan for her. You see, she made this statement during the easy part of her tattoo, outlining. It was when her 26 stars were being colored in that my "bony girl hand" was good enough to be held, I'm still regaining the feeling in my fingertips (joking... or am I?).

After all the laughs and giggles, her tattoo came out nicely and it helped that Josh made things interesting with a dirty joke here and there. I don't think we have a new addict because getting to that point was not so much fun (for her).

Photo Credit: Dan Reynolds (www.readersdigest.com)

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